It was cold - 32 degrees - and snowing that December evening in 2017. Navid, a 17-year-old senior at Walt Whitman high school in Bethesda Maryland, stood in the parking lot of a 7-Elevan talking with friends.

The friends had called an Uber and were trying to talk him into sharing it so they could all get home before curfew. But Navid turned down the offer and they parted ways as they hopped into their Uber without him. As they drove away, they saw him walking off and just assumed he was just going to walk the approximately 30 minutes to his house.

The 7-Elevan had been just a short walk away from the muti-million-dollar homes lining the streets of the Bethesda Maryland neighborhood where they had all been partying just minutes ago - until the police arrived.

Earlier that night, with his friends and in anticipation of the party, Navid had purchased a bottle of vodka with one of his two fake IDs. Navid was planning on a night of booze and fun, as so many teenagers his age do, on the weekends. They were drinking before they even arrived at the home of his friend’s younger brother, a sophomore at his high school, and son of an Austrian Diplomat.

It was his senior year, and he was likely thrilled to be half-way through the school year and looking forward to prom, graduation and going off to college next fall. By all accounts he had a great time at the party, his friend’s parents were home hanging out with the kids…but at some point, neighbors had called the police and complained about the noise.

And the Diplomat – the dad and homeowner would tell the police that he had just told all the kids to leave and call their parents to come get them when he discovered there was alcohol at the party, but there’s no way for the police to verify whether that was truly the case.

When the police had arrived in front of the home, some of the teens scattered while others, including Navid, who by then was described as being “wasted”, stayed and talked directly to the police. They were all simply told to get rides home - no arrests were made. So, Navid and his friends would wander around the neighborhood until they ended up at the 7-Elevan, where they parted ways.

After leaving his friends, Navid staggered up the dark tree-lined streets of this wealthy enclave, in the freezing cold for several blocks - but he didn’t make it home that night.

By 11:30 his parents were panicked and trying to find him, and by the next morning police were helping with the search. Just before 5 pm the following day, after searching for his only son for what seemed like an eternity, his father discovered Navid’s lifeless body lying face up in a ravine just blocks from the house where he’d partied the night before - bottle of vodka in his pocket and both fake IDs still in his wallet.

His dad would later recall screaming and wailing and performing CPR on his son hoping against hope that somehow, he’d spring back to life – after all there was no trauma to his body, no wounds that he could see. The coroner would later rule Navid’s death accidental – cause of death; acute alcohol intoxication, complicated by hypothermia and drowning.

You’re listening to Speaking of Teens, a weekly show delving into the science of parenting teens and tweens.

I’m Ann Coleman, and for a couple of extremely stressful years, my husband and I struggled to understand our teenage son’s behavior and figure out how to get him back on track.

After getting him the help, he needed and then realizing there was so much I didn’t know and so many things I should have handled differently…I knew I wanted to dedicate myself to making sure you’re better equipped that I’d been.

I’m now using the research and writing skills I developed over the past 25 years as an attorney to do just that.

You know some people may point to Navid’s story and say, well, if his parents had taught him about drinking alcohol responsibly in the safety of their home, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Or maybe if the parent hosts of the party had gotten permission for the kids to drink from all the kids’ parents and made sure they all had rides or the spent the night - maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Because, after all, we know they’re going to drink – so we need to make it safe for them to drink, so we can protect them. What else are we going to do?

Well, to that, I would first say, listen to last week’s episode – episode #11, before continuing to listen. Because as I pointed out in detail last week, there’s overwhelming scientific evidence that allowing teens to drink at home or at someone else’s home or anywhere else will not teach them to drink responsibly, it will not keep them from binge drinking or developing an addiction to alcohol. It’s not possible to do that given an adolescent’s neurobiology.

As a matter of fact, just the opposite is true – drinking earlier and at home with parents is more likely to cause kids to develop issues with alcohol. The statistics of European teens, most of whom begin drinking early and with family, compared to American teens bears this out!

The clear scientific fact is that a teen’s likelihood of having a problem with alcohol decreases every year they wait to take their first sip. Giving them that first sip yourself, is setting them up for a disaster. And no, it’s not guaranteed that they won’t be chugging beer at 15 despite of your best efforts…but wouldn’t you rather not help that along.

We learned in episode 11 that your teen takes his or her cue from you. They listen to you about drinking alcohol - and they watch you - your attitude about drinking, whether you drink, how you drink, what you say about it, how strict you are about it. It is a fact that you are the most influential person in their life when it comes to drinking – peers actually don’t even come close! Teens are actually 80% less likely to drink if parents strongly disapprove of it.

Yes, of course, as I’ve said before, teens engage in risky behaviors more often around their peers because they want more than anything to fit in. But in many cases, their bond with you – their connection, their need to make you proud, to be on your team, keeps them from doing something that may be really enticing. That’s why connection and helping them build emotional intelligence is so important.

And here’s the thing – just to give you some hope here – it’s a fact just over half of all US teenagers do not drink alcohol. So, while scientific surveys of teens show that drinking widens a teen’s social network and that the majority of the popular kids drink…it is not a social death sentence to not drink - because there’s at least 50% of the kids standing on that side of the fence!

So, it’s not inevitable . It’s not pre-ordained that your kid is going to drink alcohol. Put that out of your mind and focus on keeping them from drinking, or at least as long as humanly possible. Make your stance very clear and let them know why – no big lectures necessary – short and sweet and repeated any time the opportunity arises.

So, let’s talk about teens and parties for a minute and then we’ll move on to the criminal and civil laws regarding minors and drinking.

Navid was at this party, obviously a nice neighborhood - there were lots of kids there, the parents (one of whom was a diplomat) were both there mixing with the kids - but they claim to have sent the kids on their way once they realized there was alcohol on the premises. Maybe that’s true.

A study about 10 years ago - a large survey of teenagers - showed that almost 40% of teens who had a party at their house that year, said there was alcohol there and well over half stated that a parent was home at least part of the time during the party. And about 70% of those parties with alcohol present said their parents definitely knew there was alcohol at the party. 70%. Another 24% said their parents probably knew.

I mean if we all think it’s inevitable that most teens will drink, then why would any parent assume their kid was having a party where no one was drinking?! Right?? As a matter of fact, teens say parties are one of the most common sources of alcohol. The majority of teens say alcohol is easy to come by and they get it for free most of the time. And most of the time, they get it from someone other than a family member. But at least a quarter of the time they get it from a parent or other relative. And at least half of them drink it at someone else’s house - a party probably.

And another important fact: when kids drink, they don’t just have one beer or sip on a nice glass of oaky chardonnay – no! Teenagers – 90% of them – binge drink (which is defined as 5 or more drinks for boys and 4 or more for girls on one occasion).

That’s why drinking is so very dangerous for our kids. Their brain is not equipped to help them know when to stop. They just keep going and going and going.

Research also says the more kids at a party, the more likely there will be drinking. And with more kids – we know – the dangers increase exponentially. Most of the news stories I’ve read in my research mentioned throngs of kids showing up after the party was posted on social media. These could be kids no one even knows. And studies tell us that if a kid is a drinker, they are the ones most likely to show up for a posted party!

So, although many well-meaning parents, thinking, well, if we take their keys and don’t let them drive everything will be okay. They’re here with us and safe, which is better than being out there who knows where doing who knows what, getting into accidents – we’ve got this. But that could not be further from the truth; 1) go back to the fact that allowing adolescents to drink is more likely than not, going to make them have more issues with alcohol, 2) they are not safer at your house or anyone else’s house. Parents don’t sit right there with them the whole time - they give them their “space” or they go to bed! Many parents actually join in with them or plan the party and buy the booze.

And it’s not just about drinking and driving. Teenagers, most of whom are binge drinking and getting plastered, then stagger off into dangerous situations, become victims of sexual assaults, get into fights, vandalize property, get arrested, make irresponsible posts on social media, end up in a car anyway, are poisoned by too much alcohol, wind up in the emergency room…and many, die.

So, who’s responsible for this? The parents don’t plan on this happening – who does? This happens even with house parties where adults (parents) are present and know these kids are drinking. Parents will say, “sure, have a party, you’re 18 – it should be legal anyway, and you’ll be fine – just invite 10 people” and before you know it someone’s posted it on social and there’s 200 people in your house or outside of your house and you don’t know what to do. That happened recently – I think maybe in Florida - and an entire floor of the home collapsed because there were so many kids.

It is not safer – safe in any way – to allow an alcohol-fueled party for underaged kids, no matter the circumstances, no matter where it is or where you are or how many kids are officially invited - it is not safe, it’s not ethical or moral, and it is not LEGAL.

So, let’s talk about the law. It is against the law, in all 50 states in the US for anyone under 21 to purchase or possess alcohol in a public place. These are called Minor in Possession laws or MIP laws. Both the minor is breaking the law and the person who sells it to them or provides it to them is breaking the law.

Generally, the penalties for the teenager are fines, a juvenile diversion program or community service – it’s a misdemeanor but it goes on the person’s criminal record. It’s usually a misdemeanor for the person who furnished it as well. Or there could be regulatory or license issues if a business furnishes it.

There are exceptions to these MIP laws, that vary by state (for example, for religious purposes, medical purposes, sometimes if the minor is with a parent or guardian). But again, the details of these laws (like the definition of “possession” and “public place” depend on your state’s law). For example, in Wisconsin, a minor can possess or drink alcohol in the presence of a parent or guardian (at home or in public) and a place or a person can sell or give that minor alcohol with no criminal liability – there are a handful of other states that have similar exceptions.

Also, in Wisconsin, if the minor is on a college campus, is at least 18 years of age, and is in the direct vicinity of a person who is of the legal drinking age – which means anyone going to college in Wisconsin is golden - and no problem there for whoever furnished it either.

In over half the states, it’s legal for a parent to furnish alcohol to a teenager at home but that’s not the case in around 21 states. All 50 states have laws regarding fake IDs but they vary as to how they are classified and what the penalties are – the person furnishing the ID and the person using it are generally guilty of the offense.

Some states are really creative. Like California, for example, has a “kegger law”. They stamp the keg with purchaser’s info and if that keg is found with minors at a private party, the purchaser could face criminal and civil penalties.

And other states make it a felony for any adult who furnishes alcohol to a minor who then gets into a car accident that causes personal injury or death to the person drinking or someone else. But there are so many different ways a parent or other adult can be held legally liable (even if something happens not to be a crime or in addition to it being a crime).There are going to be plenty of legal theories where an adult, who has some connection to a minor drinking alcohol (like hosting a party at their home) who later causes harm to themselves or others, can be found liable.

They can be sued because of a civil law. These civil laws are designed to reduce underage drinking and minimize harm that can come to them and others because of their drinking. And statistics and studies show they work. A majority of states have Dram Shop laws. These laws have traditionally just covered commercial businesses like bars and restaurants who overserved someone and then they went out and hurt someone or damaged property, the law allows the injured party to sue the establishment. They also often allow someone to sue the establishment if they knowingly served a minor who then caused injury or damage.

But in some states these Dram Shop laws have been adapted to also apply to “social hosts” like parents and other adults who may be held liable for damage or injury caused by minors who drink (which may include injury to the minor).

Other states have what they actually refer to as “social host” laws that apply to parents and other adults associated with minors drinking alcohol. These types of laws can impose criminal liability (a misdemeanor – usually accompanied by a fine or even a short jail term for the host, or civil liability, which is what I’ll explain here.

Most states have some form of a social host law on the books, but again, they’re going to vary, state to state. Generally speaking, under these laws adults can be held liable when sued by someone for personal injury and property damage caused by a minor,  after that minor drinks alcohol on property the adult owns, leases or controls. Depending on the state, this person may be sued even if they weren’t present when the drinking happened, even if they didn’t know it was happening and even if they weren’t the ones who actually furnished the alcohol.

And if you’re sued under a social host law, the burden of proof for the person suing – the plaintiff - not “beyond a reasonable doubt” as in most criminal cases – in a civil suit the plaintiff only has to prove the case by a “preponderance of the evidence”. Which just means the judge or jury has to find the evidence presented convinces them that it’s more likely than not that this thing happened.

But social host laws aren’t the only legal theories someone could sue a parent under. There are plenty of other legal theories that can be piled on top or used if there’s not a dram shop or social host law that applies in that state. You could be sued on the basis of vicarious liability for what your own teenager does just because you’re their parent. Or you could be held liable under the family car doctrine because you own the car they drove – it might even involve your business if the business actually owns the car. You could be sued just on pure negligence in somehow allowing this drinking and subsequent issue to happen.

So, I can’t emphasize enough that it’s critical that you are super aware of what’s going on with your teenager, your property, your alcohol…and that you know the laws so you can make informed decisions

Just to recap: remember that the longer you can keep your teen from taking that first sip of alcohol, the less likely they will have issues with it. Stand your ground. Make your feelings known: alcohol is not allowed until they’re 21 – period. Do not assume it’s just going to happen – you’ve got at least a 50/50 chance unless you roll over. Understand that teen parties, no matter how much planning that you put into it to prevent it from happening, can get out of control in a split second, all it takes is a bit of alcohol. Don’t assume you can have an invitation-only party for your teenager at your house that doesn’t turn into a larger gathering than you’d planned – thank you social media. Don’t think kids won’t show up with alcohol just because you’re at home. And certainly, don’t trust them to police themselves if you do have a party at your home. Just think of it as having a house full (or yard full) of 2-year-olds and supervise accordingly. Maybe with like 10 other parents helping! Remember , this isn’t just about drinking and driving. There are so many bad things can happen. From sexual assault to alcohol poisoning. Kids can down 5 drinks in the time it takes you to go get the ice cream out of the freezer! They binge drink remember.

And finally, remember the liability involved for the property damage, personal injury or death that could result from your teen or someone else’s teen drinking at your house. One stupid mistake – the kind teens make every day – can lead to financial ruin and then some.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate other moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

If you’d like to learn how to communicate with your teenagers to get more cooperation or learn how to help them with their emotional intelligence, learn more about the teenage brain…just go to neurogility.com/herewego to find all our free parenting guides and e-books.

And you can go to neurogility.com/12 for this episode’s show notes – it’s packed full of my sources for the show and good resources for you. You can also find the full word for word transcript there.

Please share this episode with other moms. I think it’s so important to understand both the science and the law here. I hope you do too.

If you’d like to reach out to me, I’d love it! My email is acoleman@neurogility.com

Until next Tuesday – hang in there!