Lawnmower,  bulldozer, snowplow, helicopter…whatever piece of machinery you want to use as a euphemism …feel free…I’ll just stick with helicopter parenting or over-parenting. I know what you’re thinking already, “I’m not one of THOSE moms” “I’ve seen them at school and in the dugout, in the front row at recitals…constantly instructing and clearing the path for their kids.” Not so fast – stay with me

You’re listening to Speaking of Teens, and I’m Ann Coleman…mom, attorney turned parent educator. I’m here every Tuesday to bring you the latest science-backed advice on parenting your teen.

In today’s episode #14, I’m going to tell you exactly what this overparenting or helicopter parenting really looks like, talk about why we do this to our kids, the effect on our kids, and I’ll ask you to examine your own parenting tendencies and tell how to stop overparenting (if you are), and what to do instead.

The whole idea of helicopter parenting came from a book written by Dr. Haim Ginott decades ago. In the book, he described a parent hovering over a teenager like a helicopter but the term really didn’t gain that much traction until the early 90s.

What is Helicopter Parenting?

Well, it’s not really a parenting style but more of a way of over-parenting that sort of plops down on top of any other parenting style. (I talked a little about parenting styles back in episode 6 if you want a refresher).For example, a parent with an authoritarian style, values obedience, following the rules, and the teen doing as their told. There’s little room for autonomy or respect for the child’s needs and desires. So, when authoritarian over-parents, they do so to get what they want out of it (perhaps a track star, a straight-A student, a scholarship winner)

At the other end of the parenting style spectrum, a permissive parent, values what the child wants – not a lot of discipline going on. So, when they over-parent, they do so to make sure their teen gets whatever it is the teen wants (which could be a track star, a straight-A student, a scholarship winner)

So, you can overparent with many different goals in mind. It could be to make sure your kid gets into a top-tier, elite college. It could be to make sure they that they never get hurt or things aren’t too difficult for them …overparenting tendencies manifest lots of different ways, which can cause all sorts of issues for our kids. No matter the reason - it needs to stop – and it’s not too late.

But what exactly does it look like? Well, it’s not like there’s a clinical diagnosis for it, but the scientific research gives us a few specific elements to look for - like:

• Giving a kid too much help, guidance, advice, supervision, protection, or control in relation to their age and developmental stage, (in other words, helping them with things, showing them how, hovering over them to make sure they do it right or don’t get hurt, or do it the way you want it done…when they could do it on their own without any of that)
• Or, stepping in to solve a problem, fix a mistake or save the day for them rather than letting them suffer the natural consequences of whatever they’ve done or not done (for example, emailing the teacher to discuss that bad grade, texting the mom of their friend to see why the friend is mad, taking over and making the piñata for Spanish Class because they put it off until the night before…(with a big ass balloon, lots of flour and water, and newspaper, and paint and glue – oh my God that was a mess)…
• Or any other kind of “support” that really tends to prevent a kid from making their own decisions, solving their own problems, and figuring things out the best they can – it removes all autonomy and independence, it removes the ability to learn from trial and error – their own mistakes

Could you be a helicopter parent? The whole concept can be a bit confusing. Afterall, we’re told that being an involved, supportive parent is a good thing. So, where’s the line between involved and helicoptering? How do we know if we’ve gone too far?

It appears to me there are a couple of different ways we should measure our involvement. For example, ask yourself:

How necessary is this particular support we’re giving relative to what our kid is developmentally capable of doing himself or herself?

• Are they capable in the 8^th grade of discussing a certain grade with their teacher? Certainly.
• Are they capable in the 6^th grade of making sure they have all their books and papers in their backpack before leaving for school in the morning? Yep.
• Are they capable in 11^th grade of deciding what classes to take? Absolutely.

We might not want to think they’re capable, we may doubt their abilities, we may fear they’ll mess it up or that their mistake will completely derail them, that they might not do it the way we think they should or not get the result we want them to…we may worry they’ll be unhappy or hurt or disappointed…but all of that is beside the point – the point is to allow them to do the things they are developmentally capable of doing (or at least trying), whether they get hurt, disappointed, mess up, suffer consequences…all of that is how they learn, how they grow into an adult.

Another way we should measure our involvement is to ask ourselves:

How far do we need to go with that support to allow them to accomplish that thing as independently as possible and/or learn from their mistakes?

• For example, if your 6^th grader is supposed to build a model of the school building from cardboard, and they don’t know how to start, do you need to step in and draw the pattern, cut it out, glue it together, draw all the windows and doors and then tell them how to paint it? Or do you sit down with them asking questions that will lead them in the direction they need to go to get through all the steps?
• Or, if your 9^th grader left their class project at home and calls you in a panic to drop what you’re doing at work and drive the hour and a half round trip from your office to the house, to their school and back to the office…just so they won’t lose a letter grade, do you do it? Or do you let them suffer the natural consequences of their mistake?

Now, we’ve probably all gone too far now and then, in a moment of weakness…but if you parent this way on the regular…then your kid is going to have major problems later on. I’ll talk about that in a minute.

If you want to examine your own behavior to see if it might amount to overparenting, there’s a link in the show notes for a bonus download I created for you, entitled, “You might be overparenting IF” – be sure and go grab that to help you examine your own parenting tendencies.

So, what drives us to overparent?

It turns out there are several different reasons we do this. As I mentioned back in episode 1, I definitely leaned in and tried to control my teenage son, used a very authoritarian approach, micromanaged him like crazy. It backfired and made the situation worse. I finally learned my lesson.

So, let’s look at some of the reasons researchers say we overparent. Listen and do your best to analyze your own tendencies and see if any of this sounds like you (and it’s okay if it does – it’s never too late to change)

• One of the major reasons we tend to overparent is our own anxiety – being unable to handle our own discomfort – our own emotions. That was certainly true in my case.
  • We worry about our kid’s future, that their going to screw it up or their not going to reach their full potential - not without our help.
  • Or we worry they’re going to get hurt or disappointed if we don’t step in and do something.
  • We may want them to be the best or have the best or never get hurt or to just be happy…or whatever it is…because of our own personal history, childhood trauma even
  • And quite often this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – we hover or control because we don’t want them to be a certain way or do certain things (perhaps like we have) and we end up pushing them right into that very thing…or we try to control them to keep them from certain behaviors and they end up rebelling and jumping into that behavior anyway, or we don’t feel their ready or capable of doing something so we do it for them and enable their helplessness!
• Another reason we helicopter is simply because we want control – we believe we should have it. As I mentioned earlier, you can be a helicopter parent no matter your parenting style…but researchers have found that authoritarian parents are more likely to be the helicopter in the bunch.
  • That’s because authoritarian parents are simply more controlling – their goal is obedience…and when the kid doesn’t fall in line, they’re punished.
  • The authoritarian’s sole focus is to make sure the kid does as the parent says – period – no questions, no negotiation, no consideration of their need for autonomy, no respect for their opinions. It’s a true dictatorship.
  • Studies have shown over and over again that this authoritarian style of parenting usually results in either rebellion or the kid just behaving out of pure fear of punishment…it breaks down the parent-child relationship and is always detrimental to a child’s emotional and mental health.
  • So, an authoritarian is going to push their own agenda for the child – for example, deciding they want their kid to be an all-star lacrosse player so they can win a scholarship to a certain elite college – so it’s lacrosse all the time, drills and extra practice and 1-on-1s with the coach…or it could be the same with academics and punishment for anything less than an A – the goal is whatever the parent wants and the parent does what it takes to make it happen – with no regard for what the kid wants
• Another reason parents helicopter is parental regret coupled with the principle of lost opportunity.
  • As I understand it, this just sort of means that as our kids get older, we see our opportunities for direct control over their life dwindling. We see them separating from us and becoming their own person and we begin to freak out a little bit.
  • We start worrying that we haven’t done a good enough job as a parent and we realize we only have a few more years left, and then they’ll be gone, and we start to panic that we need to make up for all this lost time of not being a good enough parent…so we go into helicopter mode
  • We start involving ourselves way too much in their lives, start calling all the shots and holding ourselves responsible for their mistakes…so we don’t want them to make those mistakes…we aim to fix those things
  • Another type of parental regret can also sneak in here – the kind that makes us want our kid to succeed where we didn’t – we weren’t the athlete we wanted to be, or we didn’t make the grades or get into the college we wish we had…and so we try to live vicariously through our kid…and make sure they do what we didn’t
• Perfectionism is another reason we overparent – perhaps we have really high standards for ourselves and for our kids. We might feel our kids’ success or failure is a direct reflection on us…so we want that reflection to be perfect. Their success is a measure of our own success as a parent. And of course, if they fail, we’re a failure.
• Then there’s peer pressure from other parents. I have to admit, this was also one of my problems – I looked to a close friend (or felt pressured by that friend) to be more authoritarian - I readily admit it. I feel horrible about it, but I did finally learn and switched gears (just like you can if you need to)
• Then there’s the pressure of simply living in such a competitive world – especially in many neighborhoods where these high-achieving, academically rigorous schools pit kids against one another and parents vie for “helicopter parent of the year”. I mean this is also a kind of peer pressure for parents if we allow it to be. I have an entire episode on this phenomenon if you want to have a listen – it’s episode #2.
• There’s also a cultural component to overparenting. For example, studies show that Eastern Cultures prefer interdependence in raising kids while Western Cultures lean more towards independence. Parenting in some cultures is, what would be considered in the West, more authoritarian, focused on obedience. So, often our overparenting is based on our culture, how we were raised.
• And time management could be another reason we helicopter. The results of at least one national poll regarding children’s health found that although 97% of parents said they were trying to parent their teens to be independent, at least 25% of them found it really hard to do because of time-management issues…often it was faster to just do things themselves rather than teach or argue about it.

So, what is the effect of all this overparenting on our kids?

The research shows that the effect of overparenting kids and teens can show up when they’re still in middle or high school with mental health issues like anxiety or depression. But most of the research has typically been done regarding college age kids; when overparented kids leave home, go off to college and attempt independence. And the findings from this research clearly shows overparenting does our kids a disservice. These kids are completely overwhelmed. They’re terrified of failing. They become neurotic.  Their grades suffer because they have no intrinsic motivation to make good grades if they’ve always had the extrinsic motivation of parental punishment. And when they do make a bad grade or make any mistake, they feel like total failures – they’re extremely self-critical. They can’t cope. They don’t have good relationships with their peers. They have poor emotional regulation. They suffer with low self-esteem; they feel completely incapable of handling things on their own. They don’t trust themselves to make everyday decisions. They still feel completely dependent on their parents. They’re prone to separation anxiety, so they’re homesick….  And many suffer from social anxiety, which means they can’t do the things that normal college kids do. On top of all that there’s more depression and substance abuse among kids who had helicopter parents. And it also appears - based on a handful of studies - that daughters may suffer worse from overparenting than sons. They may develop more issues with anxiety and depression.

Basically, it looks like helicopter parents use a higher level of control with daughters and grant them less autonomy than they do sons. Then moving on into adulthood, these folks are prone to depression and are more likely to be narcissistic and have a sense of entitlement. Now, there have been some studies that show benefits of helicoptering, but I would argue (and I think other researchers have pointed out) that the traits they were studying did not reach the level of overparenting.

For example, parental involvement in a kid’s education is widely accepted as critical to success. And some “helicoptering” studies have seemed to point to this as a “positive” of being a helicopter parent. But again, this term “helicopter parent” is not precisely defined in the scientific literature so that everyone is comparing apples to apples. It really appears that the type of involvement is the question. It’s not overparenting if it’s helping kids or teens to develop problem-solving and decision-making skills, respecting the child’s autonomy and fostering independence. It crosses over into overparenting when autonomy is taken away – when kids are crippled by having too much done for them, having no ability to make their own decisions, resolve their own problems – learn from their mistakes. They simply don’t learn the skills it takes to survive on their own later as an adult.

How do we stop our overparenting or helicoptering tendencies? We all have the best intentions for our kids to grow up happy, healthy, and even successful. But if we want it so much that it leads us down this overparenting path…we’re going to accomplish the exact opposite for them. We can’t do that to them. And we have to do some serious introspection. We’ve gotta’ dig deep and really think about how we think about parenting our kids (a little metacognition). We must be able to honestly evaluate our own thoughts, emotions and behavior and call ourselves out! If we’re wrong – we’re wrong. Stand up and do something about it…I feel like an Alabama preacher…come on down to the front if you feel the spirit move you and make that change today friend!

How do you start?

1. Consider your parenting style – if you’ve always been an authoritarian, now’s a great time to consider moving on over to the authoritative style. Firm but kind, empathetic, focused on respect and autonomy. I talk about parenting styles in episode 6 if you want to go back and have a listen. Because if you maintain this particular style of parenting, you’re not going to be able to resolve anything.
2. Work on your own emotional awareness and regulation. Since fear and anxiety drive many of our overparenting tendencies, then we have to work on this fear and anxiety, where it comes from, how can we regulate it. You can listen to more about this in episode 8 and there’s a link in that episode’s show notes for a free guide on emotional awareness strategies.
3. Even if you only have one child (as I do) don’t make them the center of your world. That may sound harsh, but you have a life – if you don’t, then you deserve a life. By being involved in things you’re interested in, you’re less likely to be available to do things for your kids that they can do for themselves.
4. Don’t attempt to predict the future for your child. Kids change dramatically over the years and just because they tend to be “messy” or “unmotivated” today doesn’t mean they’ll be that way next week or next year. If you label them now, you’re setting yourself up for controlling that not-so-wonderful trait you see in them.
5. Accept that your child isn’t you. They should be allowed to have different opinions, different likes and dislikes, different hobbies, different tastes. Listen to what they have to say, find out what makes them think they way they do and marvel at this independent thinker you’ve helped create. Then allow them to make their own decisions. Allow them to make, what you think, is the wrong decision. If it’s something that they can’t recover from if they fail, then that may be the time to intervene – otherwise, recoverable failures should happen because it's the only way to learn.
6. Realize that you can’t plan out your teen’s entire future…well you can plan it but they may not go that route. You can teach them values, skills give them rules to live by, support them, love them, and hope for the best…but you can’t make them become someone they’re not meant to be or don’t want to be.
7. Stop worrying about the competition. Don’t worry about some socially defined standard of monetary success. There’s enough success to go around, especially when success is defined by the individual – your teen. What’s their idea of a successful life? Have you ever asked? Get them to be honest with you and tell you what they see themselves doing 10 or 15 years from now, if they’re living their best life. It could be exactly what you envision, or it could be the total opposite. Just remember that success isn’t success if it makes you miserable. Success should also mean happiness. That’s the kind of success we should all want for our kids.
8. Listen more than you talk. If they’re angry, nervous, sad, don’t try to jump in with advise or correction. Listen to what they’re saying, get curious to figure out what’s going on so you can help them figure out exactly how they feel. Acknowledge those feelings and let them know they’re entitled to feel however they feel. Guide them to solve their own problems rather than trying to fix them yourself. Only offer specific advice if they ask.

If, after considering everything and taking a look at the download in the show notes, you decide you’ve been guilty of some overparenting…you’re now going to take a couple of steps back (or maybe several steps back depending…) You’re going to respect your teen’s autonomy and give them more independence. Give them some adult responsibilities. Make sure they follow through.

Work with them as a team - ask for their input and opinions…especially when setting rules and deciding logical consequences. Allow them to fail and suffer natural consequences and let them learn from their mistakes. Be there for them when they have to pick themselves up and dust themselves off. Be there when they have a question - give your opinion or advice only when asked. Learn to communicate with them calmly, help them learn problem-solving skills, be a sounding board for them. Be their biggest cheerleader, their supporter, their trusted advisor.

I love this quote from someone on reddit: “I'd love to have my kids need me forever, but that's what pets are for. Not children. It's your job to slowly work your way out of the picture. Brutal, but that's love."

So, to review:

Overparenting can look different depending on the parent. It can be controlling, or it can be making sure the kid gets whatever they want…and everything in between. The signs are mainly that autonomy or independence is taken away – they can’t learn from their mistakes because they’re protected from ever making one…or if they do, it’s fixed for them, just like that. They aren’t allowed to have a voice, an opinion, they’re told everything they need to think or do.

Take a hard look at your parenting and the support you give your teen – is it more than they need? Could they be doing a lot more themselves? Then let them. Don’t let your own anxiety, need for control, perfectionism, peer pressure or anything else get in the way of preparing your teen for adulthood. They deserve the opportunities to fail, to learn, to feel comfortable in their independence once they leave the nest….don’t deprive them of that.

Speaking of Teens is sponsored by neurogility.com. You can find lots of free parenting guides and e-books at neurogility.com/herewego

For show notes, the transcript, and the free download I mentioned for this episode, “You might be Overparenting If” go to neurogility.com/14

Thank you for listening – I really hope you got something out of it. If so, do share it with a friend… And I’ll see you right here, same time next week. Until then – take care and go hug your kids – like right now – no, I’m serious…take the earbuds out and go give them a hug.  Seriously – go.