Yesterday it was about when to do their homework. This morning it was about wearing a wrinkled shirt to school. Tonight, it was about downloading a new social media app. Tomorrow it’s going to be about something else altogether. And so, it goes with your adolescent. Daily life seems to be full of conflicts – small and large – important and not so important. But they can all be boiled down to one thing - a struggle for control. Control of what they do, when they do it, how they do it, with whom they do it. You both want control.

How do you make sure they’re safe and do well in life if they seem to fight you at every turn? How do you parent an adolescent and manage to keep the peace? Is it even possible? The truth is - you can’t hope to avoid all conflict during adolescence – it’s not possible and not even healthy.

Today, I’m going to explain why we end up struggling for control, how to wrap our minds around our changing role in our teen’s life and how to minimize conflict by making sure they feel a secure attachment with us while we simultaneously support their autonomy.

You’re listening to Speaking of Teens, a weekly show to help you better understand and parent your teen or tween.

I’m Ann Coleman, and I’ve been where you are now and didn’t do so well with it – that’s why I started studying the science of parenting teens and tweens. I’m here to make sure you know more than I did.

In a nutshell, this conflict with our teens and tweens happens because as soon as puberty hits, and they begin perceiving themselves, the world, and us, differently – they want to be treated differently. But we resist.

I’ve talked about the changes that occur in the adolescent brain in several episodes – mainly in episodes 3 and 4 if you need a refresher there. But in addition to those neurobiological changes that cause the intensification of emotion, the risky behaviors and their inability to use self-control and make good decisions, there’s another process, which has been going on all along – but it intensifies usually beginning in early adolescence – middle school – it’s called “individuation”.

Individuation is pretty much what it sounds like. They start becoming their own person. Now they’ve been doing this all along, but this is when it really becomes pronounced and becomes a central focus in their life. Their cognitive processes have advanced and they’re able to think more abstractly and see themselves more objectively, which allows them to work on forming their own unique identity – separate and apart from us.

The social-emotional system in the brain becomes much more activated and they become intensely aware of how they’re perceived by their peers – as a matter of fact it becomes all-consuming. Being accepted by their peers is the most important thing in their lives – it’s a daily concern and it trumps everything else – even you.

This abstract thinking and jump in their cognitive processes also allows them to consider more about the world around them and soon they’ll have their own opinions on social issues, matters of justice and fairness, politics, religion, and just for good measure, they may even be opposite of your opinions. They may start talking about their future and what they want to do one day. They’ll gradually explore many different ways of talking, dressing, and behaving  - you’ll hear them say things they their best friend says, they may want to cut their hair like a pop star or wear the same type of clothes the most popular person in school wears. They’re basically trying out different personas to see what it feels like and to figure out who they ultimately want to be.

Now a big part of this individuation process is feeling they’re ready to be heard, have an impact, make their own decisions, be their own person – and to them, they feel absolutely ready to do that and aren’t sure why it can’t happen right now. So, there’s this giant push for autonomy – to be seen and heard and valued in a more equal way – to have more independence – more of a say in what happens in their life.

Their brain is telling them, “Hey, why do mom and dad feel like they can tell me, another “adult” what to do? We’re equals here! This is ridiculous”.

And this is where the conflict comes in. Because from your point of view, you’ve always parented from the top down…you’ve had all the knowledge, all the social power and were there to provide everything from physical warmth and security to companionship and all the rules and boundaries. And suddenly, they start pushing back about everything – big time. You might even see it as being disrespectful of your parental authority, or just mean, unloving, selfish.

But that’s not their intention. They just don’t know how to explain what’s going on in their brain right now, they can’t fully articulate it. And they’re not pushing for autonomy because they don’t love you anymore. They are not trying to detach themselves from you. They still want you there – they still need that secure attachment. But now, rather than needing physical closeness and security they need to feel emotionally secure. I’ll talk more about this in a minute.

So, from their perspective – you shouldn’t be at the top looking down and making all the decisions, holding all the power.

And conflict happens then, when you don’t appreciate that they are learning and growing, and figuring things out, that they do need more autonomy and that you do need to appreciate their perspective and relinquish some of your control

If you’re an authoritarian parent, a helicopter parent, a control freak, or just too afraid to relinquish control, there will be major conflict (unless your kid’s just plane scared of you and then there may not be conflict between you, it will just be inner conflict for the teen) Episodes 1 and 14 deal with these issues

It can be really difficult for some of us to accept this change in the dynamic between us and our kids as they reach this point – but if you want what’s best for your teen, you need to adjust. Adolescence is the time to begin shifting your role – not abdicating altogether but recognizing your child does not feel like a child anymore – they feel like an adult (even though you know they aren’t there yet). They don’t want you to completely relinquish all control to them. They don’t want you to disappear from their lives (although it can sometimes feel like it). They just want some of that control themselves – and rightly so.

So, your parental role during adolescence, goes from “top-down manager” to more of a consultant, to be there at their side, working with them as a team. To help them learn and grow - so by the time they leave the nest, they’ll be able to do it on their own - successfully.

I know. It can be really hard to accept this new role – or frankly to even realize your role should shift. I really didn’t think about it in that way so I continued to control and then tightened my control when I got scared that he would really mess up…the conflict spiraled, our entire family was an anxiety-ridden mess. And much of it was avoidable.

So, as hard as it may be to take your place at their side and begin guiding rather than managing…you must, or you will regret it later. You’re not losing anything – they’re not going anywhere – your relationship is changing, however. You’re now going to have to work to find the balance as they push and push for more and more autonomy. As you work to find this balance, there will necessarily be a little conflict. But the key is how you handle this conflict.

Scores of scientific studies and data tell us the best way to handle this transition is by supporting your teen’s autonomy while maintaining a secure attachment, (which is a scientific term I’ll explain in a minute). So, the first thing you need to do here, as I said  minute ago, is to examine your parenting style and abandon any tendencies you have towards authoritarianism, overcontrolling, micromanaging, helicoptering, overparenting (or being too permissive for that matter). If that’s been your style up until now – it’s not going to be easy, but I promise you can do it because if I can, anyone can. As I’ve said before in several episodes, every bit of research we have on parenting style says an authoritative approach is the best for our kids – and especially now during adolescence. Just to refresh your memory, authoritative parenting just describes the general approach of balancing your control with a willingness to listen, empathize, and negotiate rules and consequences - so this type of parenting allows for your child’s autonomy and secure attachment. If this sounds like an impossible feat – yeah, well, nobody said it was going to be easy…but it is completely possible. Let’s talk about what secure attachment means and what it entails and then we’ll talk more about autonomy.

Because of the changing dynamic between you and your teen and the conflict that will pop up, maintaining a secure attachment with them is imperative. The concept of attachment is over 50 years old, and it describes the fundamental bond between babies and their parents that is essential for their survival. A baby instinctively uses certain biologically based behaviors like crying, clinging, cooing to insure their parent will nurture and protect them. When a baby is stressed – like their sick, left alone or in unfamiliar surroundings, they’ll use these behaviors to seek out the caregiver for protection and safety. But when they’re not stressed, they feel free to do whatever babies do – interact with whatever is around, learn about their environment.

So, attachment refers to this idea that babies or kids use parents are a “secure base” - they leave the base to go off and do a little exploring and when they get nervous or scared, they go back to the parent for “safe haven”. Over time kids internalize the attachment experience with their parents. If the parents are appropriately responsive, the child develops a secure attachment (they feel worthy of care, feel they can go off and explore safely and feel they can rely on caregivers). But if the parents are unavailable and unresponsive, kids do not do well. Your listening to this podcast is enough to know that your kids have a secure attachment to you.

So, it’s important for you to realize that just because your tween or teen is going out into the world more without you, hanging out more with their friends than with you, maybe dating or hanging out in their room a lot, does not mean they don’t have a secure attachment to you, or that they’re trying to detach from you. You are their “secure base” – they go out and they feel free (un stressed) to do their own thing knowing you’ll be right there for them when they need you – you’re their “safe harbor”. It’s not only normal but healthy. And by leaving you and going and doing their own thing, it shows they feel that attachment. They do feel secure.

So, you just need to understand that attachment in adolescence is less about them needing physical closeness and security from you and more about feeling emotionally safe, secure, close, and supported. So, how can you maintain this attachment during adolescence amidst all the conflict and the emotions? The scientific literature says that the “hallmark” of secure attachment with your teen is that you can maintain relatedness during a disagreement. Relatedness simply means that when you have any sort of conflict – you want one thing, your teen wants another - that your teen feels totally free to state their opinion, share information - their viewpoint – their emotions - without feeling that their relationship with you is threatened - that you’ll freak out or they’ll get in trouble, be punished, be instantly shut down or brushed off or made fun of. It means you’ll listen to what they have to say, with an open mind and a closed mouth. You’ll acknowledge or validate their feelings. You’ll put yourself in their shoes, empathize and let them know you understand where they’re coming from and can see things from their point of view. And, of course, you’ll ask the same of them.

Relatedness allows them to feel heard and helps resolve conflict and drama. This may sound a little familiar if you’ve listened to episode 6. There I also talked about the authoritative parenting style and explained emotion coaching to help your teen learn to regulate their emotions. This relatedness as part of a secure attachment, obviously overlaps with some of the same principals of authoritative parenting, emotion coaching…and relatedness is also an important part of supporting your teen’s autonomy.

Another journal article I ran across this week, also discussing the changes that occur in the mother-child relationship during adolescence - I think really adds something to the conversation. The article specifically reviewed the theories and evidence regarding emotional variability during conflicts. Okay – bear with me because this is good and makes a lot of sense. Obviously, it’s hard to have conflict without emotion. The research shows that it’s not so much the number of conflicts we have with our teens as much as it is the extent to which we are able to display different emotions and more flexibly switch from a negatively charged emotional interaction to a more positive and supportive interaction.

So, for example, if we can be really irritated with each other, express our negative emotions freely – letting the other person know how we feel, express our opinions (just like we said regarding relatedness) validate, empathize, and then quickly get over it and move on to be able to laugh about it or discuss more positive things - this flexibility allows us to figure out new ways to relate to one another and to be able to move more easily into this new role as consultant.

Now of course, unless you have your own emotions regulated, this is not an easy thing to do with a teenager, whose emotions you also have to help out with. Go back and listen to episode 8 about your emotions and grab the free download in the show notes. The science says that if it’s hard for us to move on from a negative emotion during a conflict with our teen – we can’t let it go or switch if off easily – then it shows that we’re going to have a much more difficult time adapting our parenting to our teen’s evolving needs – it’s an indication of our rigidity – an unwillingness to let go.

Our emotional flexibility during conflict with our teenagers has also been shown to lead to a better relationship with them over time because it looks like this gradually leads to less conflict overall – as we get closer and closer to our consultant role.

Along the same lines, this emotional flexibility, where both negative and positive emotions are exchanged freely and accepted – it makes for a freer flow of information from our teens – it’s been shown to encourage them to open up and share more information about their friends and their activities (that we probably wouldn’t otherwise have). And this makes sense because one big reason teens don’t share information with us is because they don’t want us to freak out and react negatively. But in an environment where we are accepting of and able to move flexibly between our emotions with them, our teens feel safer (securely attached) to say what they want and share more details with us.

So, this ability to be emotionally flexible fits right in there with relatedness - it allows your teen to know you’re there for them, you hear them, that if you get mad, you’ll work it out and move on rather than dwell. It gives them confidence and the emotional support to go out and explore and master new tasks and figure things out on their own, within their realm of ability - but to feel comfortable in coming back to you when they need comfort, advice, or help.

Another way to support your teen’s autonomy and move into your new role (and decrease the conflict during this transitional phase) is to promote their independence. This means supporting your teen’s individuality, their self-expression, their pursuit of new roles and responsibilities. You have respect for their ability to make many of their own decisions and solve their own problems. There’s a ton of scientific evidence that suggests having agency over one’s life is paramount to success and happiness. Having internal motivation, being mentally healthy and self-disciplined can all be related back to feeling in control of what happens in our own life. Feeling a lack of control, as we’ve said before, can lead to rebellion – being controlled leads to rebellion because it’s a threat to their autonomy – their independence.

So, how does all of this help you when you’re trying to set rules for them? First, you want to discuss rules with them before you just hand them down. Remember relatedness. Get their opinion, listen, empathize, negotiate. This way, once you’ve found middle ground and set the rule, you’ve respected their autonomy and you’ll have their buy-in.

Another thing – studies show that teens are more likely to comply with rules that involve moral issues and health and safety than they are with rules they feel are more within their own personal purview (like rules regarding extracurricular activities and hobbies, a job, their personal appearance). Many experts say set the big rules with them and let them decide everything else. Giving them this autonomy and independence exercises their ability to make decisions, to feel confident, to make mistakes and bounce back, to learn to be an adult. Again, you grant this autonomy gradually, not everything at once. A 10^th grader is obviously going to have more autonomy over more things than a 5^th grader. You also have to decide for each child when to let go of the reigns for certain things - how to take that step back. And just because you allow something for your first at a certain age, doesn’t mean #2 or #3 or #5 get the same. Kids develop at different rates and that has to be taken into consideration.

So, when conflict arises with your teen, remember it’s likely because they feel their autonomy is being threatened. So, watch out for these behaviors:

Being over-controlling. I’ll say it again - being authoritarian, demanding obedience, using punishments rather than natural or logical consequences, lecturing, arguing, yelling, pleading - it will not get you any cooperation or collaboration but it will certainly, most assuredly, lead to more conflict and rebellion, unless they’re so afraid of you that they either obey out of fear (not good if you want to keep your relationship with your child) or they’ll pretend to obey and just become really good at lying and hiding things from you.  Just don’t.

Being coercive will do the exact same thing. Threatening, forcing, even bribing is not being observant of their autonomy.

Extreme monitoring and not allowing your teen some privacy can certainly threaten autonomy and cause a ruckus. This is where you agree on the rules – address morals and safety. And, as I said earlier, being emotionally flexible does lead to more sharing from your teen.

Psychological manipulation like pouting or making them feel guilt or shame for not doing what you want, crying, withholding affection, being mad at them. It’s all a threat to their autonomy.

Doing too much for them, treating them like children, jumping in with all sorts of advice, fixing all their problems for them, makes them feel helpless rather than autonomous. Again, this is overparenting.

Criticism, apparently, especially from mothers, threatens a teen’s autonomy. I believe I may have mentioned this before in episode 3 maybe when we talked about the amygdala and the fight or flight response - our criticism can flip that switch so quickly. It’s certainly a threat to both the amygdala and therefore, their autonomy.

Supporting your teen’s autonomy and secure attachment not only cuts down on conflict but leads to so many positives, it shouldn’t even be a question. They do better in school, they’re more persistent, happier, more collaborative. They’re less rebellious, more self-motivated and confident.

So, to wrap it up, here’s what I want you to take away from today’s episode:

1. Remember that conflict is inevitable and remind yourself when it happens, it’s simply a struggle for autonomy
2. Accept your changing role in their lives – from manager to consultant – learn to relinquish some of that control gradually as they grow
3. Know that they still need you - you’re still their secure base, while they go out and explore and learn to be an adult
4. Understand that this push for autonomy is not about you – it’s about how they see themselves evolving into their own separate individual
5. Be prepared in your support of their autonomy to regulate your own emotions, be open and listen to their opinions and input, look at things from their point of view and empathize, work with them to set the rules, the consequences and allow them to make personal decisions and even mistakes

And just remember, as hard as this all is, one day you’re going to be so glad you took the time to learn these things and implement them with your kids. When they’re 25 years old and happy and healthy and say, “thank you mom – thank you for helping me be who I am today”.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

Go to neurogility.com/herewego to find all our free parenting guides and e-books to help you learn more about your teen and how to parent them in a way that increases their emotional well-being and keeps them safe and limits the drama. You can go to neurogility.com/15 for this episode’s show notes and transcript. Thank you for listening today – I really enjoy making this podcast for you and hope you find it helpful in some way. Be sure to share it with a friend if you do. My email address is in the description if you’d like to reach out. I’ll see you right here again next week.

Now, take a break. Go make yourself a smoothie or something. That’s what I’m going to do. I should really start making those and freezing them in advance – okay so yeah – I gotta’ go.