I was 15 and weeks away from starting the 10^th grade. He had just turned 20 and graduated high school the year before. He asked me out. And although I wasn’t even that excited about going, once my mother said no, I hounded her until she gave in. Boy, I wish she’d stood her ground.

I’m Ann Coleman and I’m thrilled to be here hosting Speaking of Teens. If you want, you can follow the show and hear me every Tuesday sharing science-based insight into parenting your teen or tween. Just a few years ago our family was in crisis – our teenage son was anxious and depressed and acting out in some really risky ways.

When we finally got on the right track, I decided to help you learn everything I didn’t know about the science of parenting adolescents.

I’d only been on 2 dates before this 20-year-old…had only kissed 4 boys…a total of 4 times. He was a full 5 years older than me. He latched onto me immediately. Reeled me in with flattery and attention. He made sure he was with me all the time. I only saw other people when I was with him. When I got my driver’s license and proudly went out and got a job at the local ice cream shop, he made me quite – I never worked a single day in high school other than for my parents.

He gradually coerced me over a period of a few months to have sex with him. My protests meant nothing – he finally wore me down. He already owned me by then. And after the first time, I no longer had a choice in the matter.

Before long he was criticizing my weight (I weighed 100 pounds), my hair (he told me, because I highlighted it that it looked like an animal had peed on it – his exact words were much cruder). He told me I wore too much makeup – that it made me look like a whore, he said my eyes were crooked and my upper lip was too small, my thighs were too lumpy, and chest was too flat. He approved my clothing choices and would insist on a safety pin if my shirt was too revealing. He hit me once but promised to never do it again, and he didn’t hit me, but he would grab me, threaten me and get in my face and act like he was going to punch me…and do things like drive 100 miles and hour and threaten to kill us both.

I tried several times to break up with him during those first couple of years but his fits of rage or threats of suicide or “breaking the legs” of anyone I might date, always kept me in line. Plus, he’d convinced me that I was “damaged goods” as he put it. He made me believe no one else would ever want me - and no one else would ever put up with me because I was such a “bitch”.

I married him a few years later, not realizing that I’d been in a deep depression since soon after our relationship began, that what I really felt for him was repulsion – being near him made my skin crawl and frightened me. But he’d convinced me there was something wrong with me. He’d stripped me of the tiny bit of self-esteem I once had.

I was convinced that in the small town where I’m from, that he was the best I was going to do. I cried for hours that first night we were married.

To make a rather long story short, I decided to apply to law school, 2 hours away from home, to try and get far enough away from him to get up the courage to divorce him.

By my 3^rd year in law school, I was finally brave enough to drive 8 hours away to make the phone call to him to demand a divorce. I had wasted 15 years of my life in a state of depression, with an abuser, and I was done.

Looking back at my 15-year-old self, it makes me so sad that I had no idea what a normal caring, loving relationship looked like. I didn’t see that in my parents. No one ever talked to me about what it should be.

And my abuser, as with most, started out charming, then isolated me from friends at least, so they couldn’t see it. I’m not really sure how my parents didn’t see it – or maybe they did, and it just looked normal to them.

I hate to think about any young person going through that. Yet, it happens every day. Teen Dating Violence. Almost a third of teens involved in a romantic relationship will experience it in some form. This catch-all title (teen dating violence) includes the infliction of psychological or emotional abuse, physical violence, sexual abuse or stalking between people involved in a romantic relationship.

Because most of this violence seems to start with emotional abuse, which makes it kind of a warning sign for things to come, that’s what we’re focusing on today: What it looks like, what it sounds like, what to watch for and how to talk to your kids about relationships and what is and is not healthy, which might not only help keep them safe, but may put them in a better position to help someone else as well. Your sons and your daughters need to learn how to avoid being a victim or a perpetrator of this violence.

But you know, the words “violence” or “abuse” – they don’t normally make you think of the emotional abuse that works behind the scenes to control the victim – to give the perpetrator power over them (the power and control that ends up making the physical or sexual abuse possible, which then gives the perpetrator even more power and control

 

 

When we think about an “abusive” relationship, we normally think of physical and sexual abuse, which happens far too often.

Statistics on Teen Dating Violence vary greatly according to the source. The CDC’s 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Survey shows that 1 out of every 11 girls and 1 out of every 15 boys in high school reported being the victim of physical violence from a romantic partner in the past year - the numbers were 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 36 boys for sexual violence.

But then I also read a study from 2019 that surveyed almost 4,000 middle and high school kids from 10 different schools and 59% of those kids reported some kind of dating abuse.

Girls are at greater risk than boys, with sexual minorities and some racial/ethnic minorities impacted in even greater numbers.

Perhaps most frightening is how early this all starts – kids report teen dating violence as young as 11 and 12 years old with increases at age 13 and huge jumps by age 15.

What’s really bad is that, according to one study, only about 9% actually seek help

 

It’s emotional abuse which tops the charts as the most common type of teen dating violence reported.

It happens in 76% of dating violence cases, usually occurring first and then usually followed by physical and/or sexual violence and even stalking.

But because it’s not as visible, not as easily identified and not seen as immediately dangerous, it’s not as talked about as much, not recognized as much by outsiders or even by the victims…which then makes it extremely dangerous as they get sucked in even further by the perpetrator.

Teen dating violence in general has been scientifically linked to depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, eating disorders,  and those who are victims in their youth tend to also be victimized as adults.

Studies show that emotional abuse can be just as harmful to a teen’s mental health as the more visible and discussed types of abuse.

It erodes their self-worth, any sense of dignity or identity.

And unlike sexual and physical abuse, where most often it’s the girl who’s the victim, statistically, it appears emotional abuse is the most likely type of teen dating violence to be reciprocal in a relationship.

 

It could be happening right now to either your son or your daughter – either of them could be the perpetrator of the emotional abuse, the victim,ror both.

 

 

As I was researching this topic, I ran across an article by Dr. Wind Goodfriend, the author of Voices of Hope: Breaking the Silence of Relationship Violence. She often uses movies in her classes to illustrate psychological concepts to students. In the article she used the Twilight movies to illustrate the psychology of dating abuse.

I’ve seen those movies, and this never occurred to me. These are the types of movies and shows our kids watch and it sinks in.

Dr. Goodfriends says Bella, the female lead, has several characteristics common to those who fall into abusive relationships. Her low self-esteem - seeing herself as socially awkward and not that attractive puts her at risk when Edward (lead vampire) and “all that” pays her a bit of attention.

Her attraction to the bad boy – the forbidden fruit – and to the thrill and danger of everything surrounding him, all makes her extremely vulnerable to abuse.

As for Edward, he’s reading people’s minds to track her, he’s possessive and jealous and controlling - he isolates her, keeps her from her father, her friends, his potential rival, Jacob, sabotages her car, coerces her into committing to marriage even though he knows she’s not ready.

And it’s all wrapped up with a bow and sold as romance. And everyone bought into it.

These types of movies and other television and streaming shows really blur the lines between romance and abuse.

For example, The Bachelor with its uneven disbursement of power, and the Netflix series, You (the one starring Penn Badgley as the hot sexy serial killer stalker dude, Joe)

 

So, part of the problem is that teens are not getting a good representation of healthy relationships in much of what they see – often it’s the opposite.

Too many of them don’t recognize emotional abuse – it can start so subtly, and before they know it, they feel stuck.

Like with everything else, your education and your open communication with your teen is the key to keeping them safe.

Types of Emotional Abuse

 

What does emotional abuse entail? A lot, actually

It can be verbal abuse – degrading someone, calling them names, and of course, yelling, cursing…

Gaslighting is a biggie – this is when the perpetrator makes the victim question themselves – their own emotions or their sanity. For example, telling their partner, “I didn’t say that, or I didn’t say it that way, you always misinterpret everything, you’re remember it wrong, you’re imagining that, or the very common “I was just kidding”

Maybe you’ve heard of Love Bombing  - this happens a lot at the beginning of the relationship – the abuser makes all these over-the-top gestures like buying gifts, taking them places, sending flowers, just being overly romantic

Isolating the victim is a very common tactic with abusers – by keeping you away from friends and family and all to themselves, they’re better able to hide the abuse. This may start subtly as well, just spending all their time with the victim, making them feel special and then gradually pulling them away from everyone else.

Many abusers thrive on humiliating their victim – both privately and publicly. Verbally abusing someone in front of friends, calling them names, making fun of them, sexualizing them, picking a fight with the victim or over the victim.

Often, they’ll resort to intimidation and threats – this could be anything from threatening to harm the victim or their family or just getting up in their personal space, acting like they may hit them.

Manipulation is also a very common tactic – things like pouting, crying, threatening to break up or threatening to harm themselves if the victim breaks up with them, threatening to tell lies or spread rumors – all manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior

And although some consider Digital abuse or cyber dating abuse as a separate form of dating abuse, it’s easily also a form of emotional abuse – cell phones and the internet take control to a whole new level

–using apps or spyware to hack into or track someone’s devices or vehicle, posting hateful things, photos or starting rumors on social media – or sending nude photos to the victim without their consent.

But maybe the most invasive and controlling part of digital abuse is the almost around-the-clock way that perpetrators can keep tabs on, control, or stalk their victim.

One statistic shows that 30% of teens in a relationship have received emails or texts from between 10 and 30 times an hour to check up on them. That’s emotional abuse for sure.

 

 

 

 

And emotional abuse is simply a vehicle of control. We’ve talked about control before – how control is a product of fear – controlling our teens because we’re afraid they’ll mess up.

Well abusers are very often afraid too. They’re afraid of losing this partner because maybe they feel inferior or maybe because they won’t look cool anymore – this fear is what drives all the jealousy we usually see in these types of relationships.

And jealousy can look an awful lot like love to a teenager. “Oh wow, he loves me so much he’s going to fight that guy over me”, or “she loves me so much she can’t stand another girl looking at me”

But this fear and jealousy in the hands of a teen or tween who doesn’t yet understand their own emotions – it can lead to very irrational behavior.

That’s when you get the crazy amounts of texts, not being able to dress how you want, being told who your friends can be and who you can talk to.

What to Look for as a Parent

If you see that suddenly your kid is not spending time with friends, at family functions, or in extracurriculars and hobbies before they were involved in before they started dating this person, keep your eyes open.

Remember that abusers will try to control and isolate them.

If you see them changing how they dress, mentioning maybe that well, so and so doesn’t like me in these or he likes it better when I ware this…again, another big red flag of control.

If their cell phone is constantly dinging with texts or their constantly Snap Chatting, or answering calls, it may be the partner checking up on them constantly.

If your child’s goals suddenly switch – they’re no longer interested in making the team or taking AP classes or going to college – the partner could possibly be pulling the strings

If you see a sudden shift in their mood that’s out of character. They become depressed or anxious, start secluding more or you see evidence they’ve been crying.

If you see a shift in their eating habits, it could a sign of pressure from the partner

Avoiding school or school-related events without a good excuse

Any sign the other person is extremely jealous or over controlling.

Of course, if you actually witness any emotionally abusive behaviors first hand…

Obviously, if bruises or cuts or any sort of unexplained pain pops up, that could be an indication of more than emotional abuse

 

But we’re just sort of assuming it’s your kid who’s the victim here. They could just as easily be the perpetrator – remember, when talking about emotional abuse, both people in a relationship can be the perpetrator as well as the victim – it’s more often than not, a reciprocal thing.

Are there any signs to look for in your own child? If you see obvious signs of out-of-control jealousy - that’s a big flag flying.

If you see them texting their partner at all hours and time after time. If you hear them discussing things with friends. If you hear them bossing their partner around, yelling at them, humiliating them…any indication of emotional abuse – it’s time to act.

 

 

 

Now, What Sort of Action do you take?

I’m going to jump ahead for a minute – because if you think it’s progressed to physical or sexual abuse, or stalking, you need to do whatever it takes to insure your child’s safety.

And we’ll talk specifically about those types of abusive situations in upcoming episodes  but for now, let me just say that teenagers are every bit, if not more dangerous than adults when it comes to domestic violence – which is what this is.

Do not assume things won’t escalate – especially if there’s a break-up due to the violence.

Also, do not make the mistake of thinking a restraining order or the police, for that matter, can protect your child. When dating violence is concerned, it’s better to be considered overprotective, ridiculous, silly, or histrionic than to no longer have your child.

So, if there is any threat of violence, based on what I know, what I’ve researched and what I’ve seen, if it were my child, I would physically remove them from the vicinity of the perpetrator and secret them away until the issue is completely resolved.

 

And if you’re the parent of a kid you think may be the aggressor in a physically or sexually abusive situation or is stalking someone, please remember how their brains don’t work like ours – things can become instantly dangerous – deadly even.

Depending on the situation and how dire it is, your child may need more than outpatient therapy. They may need hospitalization or residential treatment, or they may need to be removed from the vicinity of the partner.

At the very least, you should reach out to the parents of the partner and work with them to insure that teen’s safety – you may even need to work with the police.

If you don’t do something, think of the possible outcomes, and tell yourself how much worse it could be if you stand by and do nothing. It’s not a reflection of you or your parenting at this point, but having this knowledge and doing nothing, would be.

I don’t want to sound overly dramatic - but consider this - one study that looked at the data from 2003 to 2016 found that 7% of adolescents who were killed were killed by their current or former intimate partners. 90% of those victims were female with an average age of 17.

 

Okay – I just wanted to put that out there for now and we’ll come back to those issues later.

 

But let’s assume, for now, you believe your teen may be in a toxic relationship that has not yet moved into physical or sexual abuse or stalking. What do you do?

Let’s start with what you don’t do –

…I recently spoke with Debra Schneider, director of the Children’s Hospital Intervention and Prevention Services at Children’s of Alabama and an expert in child abuse and the exploitation of children. Her team works with many kids who’ve been abused in intimate relationships and advises parents on how to broach this subject with their kids…

21:58 in audacity

“…and a lot of it is, you can’t preach…you’re reacting out of fear…she overreacts to everything.”

“…it’s like everything – they’re invincible…we have to remind them to respect themselves…of what’s okay and what’s not okay…”

So, you don’t want to try and force your kid to end the relationship or forbid them from seeing or communicating with them – you will have a real mess on your hands

The minute you freak out, or start making demands, they’re going to write off anything you have to say…you’ve lost the battle already.

They will sneak around, hide the relationship, not tell you another thing and you’ve now been locked out – you can’t help if you’re locked out. If things escalate you won’t know and you won’t be able to step in.

Please remember that. Take a breath – lots of breaths and approach this with intention. Put that fear aside and be smart about this.

Don’t judge, don’t criticize or scold them.

Love is respect.org is an excellent online resource for both teens and parents.

They have a really good downable guide to help you discuss relationships with your teen - I’ll link to it in the show notes.

In this guide they give you detailed conversation starters about relationships in general and tips on talking to them about what you’ve observed in their relationship.

The guide points out, just as Debra Schneider does, to start the conversation without judgment and with lots of support: 23:21 in audacity “if you think there’s emotional abuse…find something good to say about their partner but then also…it worries me…”

Remember, as with any communication with your teens, approach the topic with curiosity, rather than an assumption and a lecture – make an observation “I’ve noticed you’ve missed band practice a couple of times lately, is everything okay there?” Then listen, listen, listen…with empathy! Reflect what you hear, acknowledge their feelings, provide them with emotion words, and comfort. You may even be able to use a movie, YouTube video or a TikTok as a jumping off point for a conversation.

And know when to talk to your child and under what circumstances. Deb says that sitting down beside your child, driving in the car with them or any other way you can help them avoid eye contact with you. These can be very personal conversations and teens are often very uncomfortable talking to parents about these things. So, make them comfortable. She also says to be sure and know when your kids are most comfortable or primed for a conversation. If they’re rushed, tired, grumpy at certain times of the day, that’s obviously not when you want to talk with them. So, put some thought into this.

Before you talk, learn as much as you can about teen dating violence. Listening to this podcast is a great start. But you don’t want to wait until you’ve actually seen signs of abuse to discuss dating and relationships with your kids. They need to hear these things from you as soon as they become interested in dating and even more importantly, they need to have seen healthy relationships modeled for them. If that hasn’t been possible, then discuss why those relationships they’ve seen are not healthy and should not be modeled.

These conversations are only going to be possible by maintaining a close emotional relationship with your kids. Go back and listen to the last couple of episodes where we discuss relatedness, secure attachment, and autonomy. Making sure your kids feel totally free to talk to you about things like their relationships, that’s the key to keeping them safe.

So, remember this from today’s episode:

Chances are way too great – no matter the statistics - that if your teen is dating, they could be the victim or the perpetrator of emotional abuse. Watch for the signs we discussed and if you see something – say something. And when you do, be supportive rather than demanding. Keep communication open and maintain your connectedness so you can help keep them safe.

If you need help, call the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 or go to loveisrespect.org to receive immediate confidential assistance. Locally, you may have Intervention and Prevention services or rape crisis centers. You might also check for group therapy programs for teen dating abuse victims.

 

Thank you for listening to episode #17 of Speaking of Teens - the official podcast of neurogility.com, where you can find lots of free guides and e-books to help you learn more about your teen and how to parent them in a way that increases their emotional well-being and keeps them safe.

You can go to neurogility.com/17 for this episode’s show notes including lots of resources and a full transcript.

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Have a great week! I’ll see you right here again next Tuesday!