You know, I thought of a million different ways I could start this podcast. I could tell you a story from my 8^th grade year when I swear, I think I had a near nervous breakdown over friendship issues and spent more time crying and calling my mom to pick me up from school, than anything else.

I could tell you how my 88-year-old mother still hasn’t forgiven one of those girls for tormenting me throughout middle school.

Or I could tell you about moving my son from the private school he’d attended with the same kids since he was 2 years old, to our public high school, and how, after a year of hanging out with a new friend group, they turned on him, shut him out and triggered a storm of anxiety, depression, substance use and residential treatment.

I could tell numerous horror stories about what so-called friends do to each other in middle and high school and how it can really wreak havoc in a kid’s life. All stories would lead me to one point; for an adolescent, navigating friendships can often make them feel something like an antelope trying not to be that straggler at the back of the pack, who gets eaten by the lion.

Hey there, I’m Ann Coleman and this is Speaking of Teens. I’m here every Tuesday sharing science-based insight into parenting your teen or tween.

My own son went through a couple of really difficult years in high school years. And I not only didn’t know how to help, but I was also inadvertently making things worse.

When we finally got on the right track, I decided to learn everything I could about the science of parenting adolescents so I could help you do better than I did.

Today we’re going to talk about friend groups, social stress, the different ways boys and girls handle social maneuvering and how you can help your teen or tween deal with it all.

Dealing with friendships; the good, the toxic, the frenemies, as you know, it’s very different as an adolescent in middle or high school than it is as an adult. As an adult, we generally deal with individual friends, not groups of friends. It’s not nearly as complicated. But it’s extremely complex for our kids. They’re forced to be in the same environment, classrooms, halls, lunchroom - every day with the same people, sometimes for years on end.

And, to make it even more complicated, adolescents, by nature, end up banding together in groups, cliques, packs, whatever you want to call them, based on interests, socioeconomic status, race, gender, and any number of other factors.

And because of the inner workings of these groups, it’s much more difficult for adolescents to manage individual friendships - because they’re not dealing with just one person – they have to contend with the whole group. Make one enemy and you may make 3 or 5 or 7 enemies. And, even more confusing for parents - that enemy today may be their best bud or bff tomorrow.

The intricacies and inner workings of these school-based social networks seriously rival the most complex political structures in the world. Actually, middle schoolers could teach politicians a thing or two. Power plays, emotional warfare, exclusion. And the critical nature - the importance of a teen or tween’s place within their group – should be taken very seriously by the adults around them. This is not trivial stuff. It is as life and death as they perceive it to be.

These groups are, in a way, taking our place – the family’s place – in our kid’s life. It’s natural and normal and we should be more worried if they’re not individuating and pushing us away in favor of friends. That’s what adolescence is for. As Lisa Damour points out in her book, Untangled, for teens and tweens, membership in a group essentially replaces their family. It’s THE most important thing to them. Their relationship with their peers is everything – acceptance into a group is even more important than the relationship with their parents.

And if they fail at being a member of a group, it can be really detrimental to their mental health and even have a long-term impact. There’ve been tons of studies done in the past decades on how social interactions and peer issues impact children and adolescents. Most of it just affirms what we already know to be true: Teens who have a problems relating to their peers have poor developmental outcomes – they’re more likely to be disruptive, feel lonely, have low self-esteem, and not do well in school. But kids who feel more supported and well-liked by their peers are more well-adapted in school, are less likely to be involved in risky behaviors and feel better about themselves – have higher self-esteem.

This is why friendship issues or social stress can be so upsetting for kids in middle and high school and why we, as parents need to take it very seriously, not dismiss it or make light of it.

The good news is that that research shows that adolescents with at least one or two good, supportive friends are happier overall that those with tons of friends. I think that’s really good to know.

To understand why that may be true, we need to understand popularity a little bit more.

Interestingly, scientific studies have proven something about “popularity” that may be worth sharing with your teen or tween at some point. Depending on the “branch” or the “approach” of the researchers, over the past 50 or 60 years, the term “popularity” has been measured in two very distinct ways.

One group of researchers have always measured popularity based on how well-liked a student was. This is called sociometric popularity and research shows a number of specific characteristics in kids and teens that have this type of popularity. They’re more pleasant to be around, less likely to start fights, more entertaining, less likely to be disruptive, better able to take it when teased by someone, not “stuck-up”, more cooperative, kind, honest, trustworthy, fun to be with, and have a better sense of humor than other kids. Basically – these are more emotionally intelligent kids.

But the other measure of popularity didn’t focus on how well liked the students were but looked at their “attainments, attributes, possessions, positions, and activities conducive to glamour, social prestige, and social influence” – the researchers call this “perceived popularity”. Characteristics of students with perceived popularity included being a good athlete or on a sports team, being a cheerleader, being wealthy, making good grades, being fashionable, being physically attractive, being well groomed. This type of popularity was also associated with certain qualities that point to, as they put it, “social dominance” – like being accepted into the “leading crowd”, being a leader, being self-confident, having dominant posture and eye-contact, winning arguments and not being the target of others’ teasing. So, based on this “perceived popularity”, the popular teens are those who wield more power and dominance in a group.

Obviously, sociometric popularity (whether or not a kid is well-liked) and perceived popularity (social dominance) measure popularity completely differently – one seeming to have little to do with the other. Kids who are perceived as popular at school are not those who are particularly well liked by sociometric popularity standards.

The significance of the science to our conversation today is that a) being perceived as “popular” doesn’t necessarily mean you’re well-liked and not being perceived as “popular” doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not liked – actually probably just the opposite is true. This may be really important for your child to understand as they’re learning to navigate popularity in middle and continuing on through high school. Because the science also shows that the kids themselves, when they refer to someone being popular, are generally talking about perceived popularity. And From here on out when I used the term “popular”, I’m referring to perceived popularity – the socially dominant variety.

Kids want to be included, part of a group, many strive for popularity - This push for popularity seems to begin in early adolescence – as early as 9 years old - and this need for inclusion and social attention peaks in the 8^th grade before leveling off in a couple of years.

At this point, things really escalate when it comes to fighting for status among peers – their place in the pack. Research has shown that some teens and tweens can get pretty darn aggressive when it comes to their popularity. Their goal of being popular will often supersede their other values – those we’ve tried to engrain in them for the past 12 or 13 years. So, the kids that put a lot of value in being perceived as popular not only become more aggressive, but they toss aside more positively socially behaviors (like kindness, loyalty, and trustworthiness). Some of them seem to be able to toss friendships and academics goals aside as well so they can fully concentrate and become really aggressive in their quest for popularity.

They might use overt aggression; physical or verbal aggression, threats, insults, physical fights - a more “in your face” type of behavior. Or they might be a little more backhanded about it, using what is called relational aggression, which we’ll talk about more in a minute.

And the aggressor could also end up being a victim of aggression from a fellow student also vying for popularity. Based on scientific studies, the way this aggression manifests generally depends on where the kid falls in popularity status compared to other kids (their place in the group), and whether they’re male or female.

Now, as we said a minute ago, this aggressive behavior doesn’t make them more well liked. It doesn’t increase sociometric popularity, (as a matter of fact, as you might assume, it decreases likability) but domineering behavior is associated with perceived popularity – being the leaders of the group. And, as a matter of fact, these popular kids are actually likely to become more aggressive over time.

And it’s not just the kids who are already in the more popular ranks that behave this way - it’s also the kids who are not popular but want to be popular. They’re also going to tend to use these aggressive tactics and to be victims of these tactics even more than others. Even worse, kids in middle school start believing that being “mean” and even joining in delinquent behaviors will make you more popular, which studies show, tends to make them use even more aggressive behavior to achieve popularity. This is why middle school is so cut-throat for many kids and so dang stressful.

Of course, there are plenty of exceptions, but research shows that, when attempting to become more popular or maintain their popularity status, boys generally tend to use more overt aggression (physical and verbal) and girls tend to utilize more relational aggression – or what you may have heard described as “mean girl behavior”.

Relational aggression is exactly what you expect mean girl behavior to be – it’s purposeful behavior intended to damage another person’s friendships or their inclusion in the group. This might look like gossiping and spreading rumors about someone, telling personal secrets, cyberbullying (posting mean things online or sending hateful messages on social media), turning other members of the group against the person, shunning, excluding and ostracizing, making someone the butt of the joke or teasing, or even worse, saying mean things but back-handedly by saying “just joking”. Honestly, I think it would be easier to do hand-to-hand combat than contend with relational aggression!

I remember the biggest thing I dealt with in 8^th grade was being #3 in a 3-girl group and constantly contending with one of the other girls saying something bad about the other and if I agreed, I was the one who ended up being attacked by both of them. I can still hear one of them saying “I’m mad at you and you know why” – or “I need to talk to you after school” – to this day I hate listening to voicemail because it reminds me of having to call a girlfriend to listen to her tell me why she’s mad at me!

And again, this type of behavior tends to be used more by girls but that doesn’t mean boys don’t do it as well – we know they do. But girls seem to be extremely adept at it. It’s their go-to. As a matter of fact, it seems girls often thrive on relational aggression – at least those who want that perceived popularity – to be the leaders of the pack.

They enjoy being feared – they don’t necessarily realize they aren’t also well-liked, but they aren’t. And just because they aren’t well-liked doesn’t mean they aren’t treated like royalty – they are. Mainly because they’re feared by other girls – feared for what they can do to them and their social status. You just don’t cross an adolescent girl with this type of power – it can ruin your life.

As Linda Stade, an education expert in Australia says, “Girls learn from a very young age that when you create exclusion you create inclusion. And if you can knock someone else off balance emotionally, it defines you as balanced.” She also points out that boys have traditionally defined the pecking order of their social groups with physical strength and humor.” And I’ve certainly seen this play out. A couple of the most well-liked and popular boys who my son was friends with – one from the neighborhood and one from school – were the funny ones – the clowns. So, if you’re a boy mom (as I am), stay with me - there’s plenty to learn here as boys can play these games too – but I’m going to specifically refer to girls here.

As Rosalind Wiseman points out in her book, Queen Bees and Wannabees, for girls there’s just something so powerful and magical about being popular. Many are just completely obsessed with achieving it while others think it’s ridiculous and still others pretend to think it’s stupid but deep down, they want nothing more and still others know there’s no reason to even try.

In case you don’t know, Wiseman’s book was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan, Rachel McAdams, and Tina Fey. If you saw the movie, you may remember the scene in the gym when all the junior girls are gathered, and the principal asks Ms. Norbury (Tina Fey) to talk to the girls about the huge fight that just broke out after McAdams character put the gossip flyers all over the school. Fey’s conversation with the girls is based on what Wiseman does when she presents to a group of girls about popularity and cliques.

She asks the girls to close their eyes and raise their hand if they’ve ever had a friend spread gossip about them, talk about them behind their back, or make them break up with or exclude a friend. She says everyone always immediately raises their hand. She tells them to keep their hands up and open their eyes and look around. Then she has them close their eyes again but this times asks them to raise their hand if they’ve ever been on the giving end of that gossip or backstabbing or exclusivity. She says they may raise their hands more tentatively but that all of them go up again. They open their eyes and look around again.

But she says there’s always the one girl in the room who protests and says they don’t really have exclusive cliques at their school – that maybe they’re not all best friends and there’s groups of friends, sure, because you can’t be best friends with everyone. Wiseman says this, about that girl: “Almost always three things will be true about this girl: first she'll always be one of the meanest, most exclusive girls in the room; second she honestly believes what she's saying; and third her parents will be in total denial about how mean she is and completely back her up.”

And from working with girls for many years, she always finds that the majority of the girls disagree with the one who stood up and declared there are no cliques at school. Girls at the bottom of the social ladder will say how mean the popular girls are and girls at the top of the social ladder generally defend the cliques and say everyone in them is nice, but for the occasional bit of “trouble”. Wiseman points out that these popular girls (the socially dominant girls) just like all people in positions of power or privilege, either don’t realize how they’re acting or are able to rationalize it. It’s what they believe – it’s all they know – and they simply have no ability to empathize with any other group or individual.

In her book, she goes into some detail as she describes the various roles she’s defined over the years, that girls play within the popularity hierarchy at school.

But she also points out that each small pack or group of girls also has their own social structure. So, within their grade at school, there will an overall social structure and then in each little clique or group, there’s a separate mini hierarchy.

And girls aren’t necessarily static in their roles either. Mainly because of the relational aggression we talked about a minute ago, these social structures and roles are fluid. At any point, someone could be bumped up, knocked down, or shut out altogether.

Also, kids can play different roles depending on the setting. A girl can be a Queen Bee at dance class but be a Wannabee at school.

I’ll briefly list these roles here but I definitely recommend buying both this book and Lisa Damour’s – I’ll link to them both in the show notes. Also remember, as we discussed earlier, any of these girls can be the victim of relational aggression or the perpetrator as research has shown – again these roles are fluid.

So, starting at the top - you’ll recognize the Queen Bee of the grade pretty easily. She’s the one who’s always the center of attention. The one who rules the roost so to speak. She knows how to get her way, manipulate people around her, gives backhanded compliments, throws things up in other girls faces, doesn’t hesitate to seek revenge by spreading rumors.

And of course, the Queen Bee must have a Sidekick, a “yes” girl, or second in command. She’s glued to the Queen Bee’s hip because that’s where she gets her power. According to Wiseman, the Queen Bee and the Sidekick are the ones who are most often the first to be into boys too. But the difference in them is that the Sidekick would actually be a much nicer person if you could drag them away from the Queen – but the Queen would just find another Sidekick – and through relational aggression, there’s always the possibility of the Sidekick bumping the Queen and taking over that role.

Then there’s the Banker. The Banker is good at making girls think they can confide in her but she’s the girl who “banks” information and secrets about other girls in her group so she can just casually release the information and use it to turn other girls against each other and strengthen her own power in the group. Generally, she’s not ever going to be shut out of the group because of all the information she has, but if it happens it will really rock her world because she’s never been in the middle of the fight before.

Another girl whose specialty is trading in gossip is the Messenger. She’s a little like the banker but she’s not using the information to pit other girls against each other and strengthen her position – she tries to use the information to prove how useful she is to the other girls. She causes fights and then acts like she’s the peacemaker. All she’s doing is stirring drama to be in the middle of it and feel important (and it’s pretty obvious). She gets a rush from it – when there’s drama, she lives and breathes it.

Next is the Wannabe or Pleaser – I think this may be one of the worst positions for a kid to be in because it’s probably the most obvious to everyone else because they so desperately want to be “in” the pack. She’ll do whatever it takes for the Queen Bee or the Sidekick to notice and like her. She dresses like them, talks like them, likes the same music and celebrities - but she’s always kept at arm’s length. She ends up with low self-esteem and still not really be part of the group.

Then there’s what Wiseman calls the Torn Bystander. She’s the girl who just goes along to get along. She lets the other girls tell her what to do, she tries to keep everyone happy, and she never challenges the girls at the top (but she might apologize for their bad behavior).

And at the very back of the pack, in a cloud of dust and most likely to be eaten by the lion is the Target. Actually, a Target can either be in the group or not a member of the group. As Wiseman points out, having a Target in the group allows the girls to maintain the power structure because someone has to be at the bottom of the list. There’s just something about her screams Target to the other girls. It could be anything at all that they zero in on - from the fact that she tries too hard to fit in, spells her name funny or has big feet.

Then there’s the girl Wiseman now calls the Champion (in the previous version of the book she called them the Floater). The girl she describes here is one who would be sociometrically popular – someone well liked. Someone pretty high in emotional intelligence. A Champion doesn’t make people choose between friends, doesn’t blow off one friend for a more popular one, has friends in different groups and treats everyone the same even when those groups are together in one place. She can be assertive with the Queen Bee, she’s not one who talks about people being a “loser”, she’s not intimidating to people, she’s open to being friends with new people.

You may see yourself in one or more of these girls at different times and different seasons of life. You may have seen your daughter in one or more of them. She may have had Queen Bee moments and Target moments and maybe she’s been a Champion at times.

The pull of popularity is strong. The pull to just belong to a group is strong and adolescents are extremely vulnerable to their reward system, which is even more activated when they’re with or in front of peers because of their great need for acceptance. They have a hard time making good decisions and using self-control and their negative emotions often take over.

And once a member of a group, for these reasons and others, they may do things they wouldn’t normally do or wouldn’t do if not with or in that group, because the threat of exclusion, just the thought of it, is terrifying – it’s a fate worse than death to a teen or tween.

So, the fact that your child may do something that goes against their core values – it’s a very real possibility. As a matter-of-fact experts say it’s probable. And the worst thing you can do is to be in denial. If it appears your daughter is dishing out some mean girl crap – she is. And the next day if it appears she’s the receiver of that same crap – she is. If you didn’t go through any of this in school – you’re extremely lucky and in the extreme minority. So, please believe that it happens to almost every single girl at school.

There are things you can do that will help your daughter (or son) make it through the social-friendship-popularity struggles

• Talk to them about relational aggression and popularity. Buy the books, watch Mean Girls together, start the conversation but let them run with it. You might ask if anyone has ever spread a rumor about them or if they’ve ever talked about someone behind their back. Just be careful here. If you just start cold with a barrage of questions, you’ll get shut down. And don’t try to do it when they’ve just walked in the door or just gotten in the car – wait for the right time. Again, a movie might be able to spark the conversation.And remember anything more than a few sentences (without them engaging) and they start feeling like they’re being lectured.

 

• If you see she’s in a friendship that’s not working out for her – without bringing it up specifically, you could talk through a toxic friendship issue of your own (even if you have to fudge the truth a little) – but don’t call out her own friend and what you’re seeing. If you’re too direct about a specific friend of hers, she’ll be defensive even if she knows it’s true. Now, if she brings a specific friend or situation up during an emotional moment, and she asks for advice, you can give it but remember to be extremely diplomatic and not to say anything negative about the other girl personally – just focus on the behavior and talk through how your daughter might be able to handle it. Because remember, they may be at odds today and fine tomorrow and if you want your daughter to confide in you again, she has to know you’re not going to hold grudges against her friends. If you overreact and talk about the girl specifically – you’re building a wall.

And let her know it’s okay to let go of a friend if it’s just not working and help her figure out how to navigate around this person if they must remain in the same group of friends. It’s possible to be civil but not be close.

 

• Teach her not to gossip and not to tolerate gossip. I even taught my son that when someone says something negative about someone else – don’t agree with them even if it’s true! And certainly, never say anything negative about anyone that you wouldn’t say to their face. I learned the hard way in middle school not to even listen to gossip because somehow, you’ll end up blamed for saying it. To this day, it just makes me crazy when someone starts talking about someone else. Girls need to learn early on how to politely change the subject or defend the person, or simply say, I’m not going to talk about someone. But you can’t tell her not to gossip or listen to gossip if you do it yourself. So, model the kind of behavior you want her to have. Don’t talk negatively about your own friends and don’t ask your daughter to do the same about hers. I’ve seen this so often with girl moms where it’s the mom prompting these conversations.

 

• Try to help your daughter have at least one other group of friends outside of school if at all possible. That way, if things get bad with the school friends, she has other girls to turn to. Neighborhood friends, friends from your house of worship, girls from camp or a group of cousins – it can be a life saver if for some reason she gets shut out.

 

• Teach her empathy and model empathy. This seems to be one of the biggest voids with adolescents – otherwise there wouldn’t be so much relational aggression. Trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, see things from their point of view, try to really understand what they’re going through, how they think, why they act the way they do or believe what they believe - it’s not easy and many people struggle with it – especially adolescents. They’re just developing the part of the brain that allows for empathy so they’re going to have to stretch that muscle and practice. Empathy is what helps people get along. It’s what allows us to settle differences and compromise on things. When you have the opportunity to model empathy for someone, do it. If someone’s snippy to you in a store or shoots you a mean look in front of your kids, say, “You just never know what someone else is going through that caused them to act that way. Maybe he just lost his dad or maybe she’s going through a break-up. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it explains it and we can be a little more understanding and maybe cut them some slack.” And when you have a group of girls in the car, and you hear something that gives you an opening to promote empathy – do it. Even when girls don’t listen to their own moms, often they’ll listen to someone else’s. Don’t get on your high horse, but you can always interject and give them something to think about.

 

• And, speaking of empathy, if she comes to you with a friend problem - you must empathize with her if something has happened, and she’s upset. Whether you think she may be the Queen Bee or a Target. Empathy and connection is where you start. And you have to understand that her world is nothing like the world you lived in at her age. We didn’t live our world in the public domain like they live today. Every move they make, every picture they take, every word they say, every mistake they make is scrutinized, up for debate, plastered all over for their entire world to see. That’s a lot to deal with day in and day out. So, acknowledge that her “friend issues” are serious and quite complicated.

 

Acknowledge her feelings, acknowledge that you may have a hard time relating since it was different when you were in school… but that you still empathize.

You can recognize and acknowledge how hard it is to be a teen today. How much they deal with all day long, every day. How hard it can be to hold it together on the outside and be hurting on the inside. So, whatever you do, don’t tell them “you won’t even remember these people a few years from now” or “just find other friends” – please don’t. I won’t go through all the emotion coaching again here but go back and listen to episodes 6 and I’ll link to the pertinent downloads in the show notes – using those skills will help her learn emotional intelligence which is super important for navigating friendships and everything else going on in their world

 

• Along these same lines, be sure to be careful in your response to her friend issues – your own emotions – remember that being emotionally aware and regulated is part of your emotion coaching skills. If you blow up over what another girl did to your daughter – you’ve stepped in it. You can’t do that if you want to help her in this situation. Remember too that you’re modeling behavior for her. Go back and listen to episode 8 and download Emotional Awareness Strategies – I’ll put the links in the show notes.

And I guess this is a good place to add – don’t call the other girl’s mom – you can help her problem solve but do not interject yourself that way.

 

• Teach kindness and compassion. Again, this is something that is better modeled than preached. If you can, volunteer together, deliver for meals on wheels, serve meals at the soup kitchen - show through your actions that kindness and compassion for others feels good. When I was young, my mother took us to the local nursing home to sing Christmas carols every year and we were always delivering things to needy families and even relatives. I know that had a huge impact on how I treat other people.

 

• Of course, pay attention to their online activity – work with your teen to develop a set of guidelines about posting, DMs, Snaps and texts that revolve around not only safety but kindness, empathy, compassion and being a good friend. Try to make sure she understands that it’s way too easy to type or post something that you can’t take back. Teach her that just like she needs to think before speaking, she also needs to think before she sends or posts - and to always take a breath and pause before doing anything in anger.

 

• Teach assertiveness and the importance of standing up for herself and for other kids. Being able to say no to someone or to tell them to get out of their face or to stop spreading rumors about them – this does not come easy to teens and tweens. Again, the pull for popular, the need to be part of the pack, the fear of being excluded – these are all good reasons for them to keep their mouth shut, to go along, to pretend they don’t notice. Even with a really strong moral compass and fantastic upbringing, your daughter may stay silent about someone else’s treatment to avoid the repercussions. And honestly, it’s easy for us to stand there and tell them to “stand up for themselves” or “do the right thing” when we don’t live in their world. We don’t have to deal with the people they deal with every day, 8 hours a day. Many of the situations they encounter will require a lot of finessing – some that we would even have a hard time with. So, acknowledge this. Empathize. Understand there are some situations that being assertive just might not be the thing to do in the moment. But if they’re asking for your advice, you can problem solve together and try to figure out the best way to handle it – where they feel comfortable with the solution. Of course, you can’t be with them everywhere they go, so giving them some assertiveness “training” may really help – you can be the voice in their head, when they’re out the in the wild trying to work through a friend problem.

 

• One thing that can really help girls all around – being able to have other friends, building self-esteem and possibly even assertiveness, is having a hobby, sport, or interest of some kind that they’re really passionate about. Perhaps even something outside of school. Extracurriculars at school are great, but again, having that extra set of friends outside of school can be really helpful at certain times. Help them discover something new; horseback riding, making jewelry, running, the local theater. What have they always been interested in but never truly dived into. Now may be a great time.

 

• Something else that’s helpful – and that all teens need - is to develop coping skills. When they’re going through something tough, when they’re feeling anxious or depressed or alone, they need a way to cope with those emotions.

Of course, when you’re around, you can emotion coach, and that way you’re helping build those emotional regulation skills and helping them calm down.

But it would be great if they could develop skills from several different avenues.

Promote mindfulness meditation - like those included in the guided meditation apps. See if they’ll try journaling or teach them some grounding techniques if they have really anxious moments. I believe I talked about some of these things in the download for episode 19 so I’ll link to it in the show notes. Understanding that they’re having a hard time dealing with issues is one thing but getting them engaged in actively trying to help themselves deal with their feelings is quite another sometimes.

 

• So, if you can’t seem to get through to them yourself, then by all means, seek out Seek professional help. Often, it’s just better to have a therapist, school counselor, or teen coach involved to teach them a few of these coping skills. They can also be extremely helpful in just trying to get through a difficult period with a friend or a friend group. Don’t hesitate to seek help like this – we can’t always know what to say or how to help our kids but there are other people out there who’ve been trained to do that very thing.

 

To wrap it up, let me just say that if your daughter (or son) gets through middle and high school without any friendship drama, it will be a miracle.

If they never treat anyone else badly, gossip, or go against their better judgment, morals, and values…it will be a miracle.

I would be lying if I said it will be easy for you to stay calm when someone has hurt your child or if your child has hurt someone else. It won’t be.

I would also be lying if I said you can always help them figure out how to handle a complex social situation. You can’t.

But you can always be there to empathize. To tell them you know it’s hard on them. To tell them you’re listening and that hear what they’re telling you and that you’ll be there to support them every single step.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate other moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

Go to http://neurogility.com/herewego to download tons of free parenting guides and e-books to help you learn more about your teen and how to parent them in a way that increases their emotional well-being and keeps them safe.

You can go to neurogility.com/23 for this episode’s show notes and transcript.

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You can reach out to me any time at acoleman@neurogility.com – I want to hear from you.

So, have a great week and we’ll talk soon!