It’s really jarring how almost overnight we go from being mom to a sweet “kid” to the mother of a tweenager who then grows older and more confusing to deal with by the day.

My son was in the 6^th grade in 2012 when they sent the entire class home from school with their own ipad.

All the parents were scrambling that first day because every single one of our kids went straight to Instagram and had a 1,000 followers before they went to bed!

All through middle school and then high school, there was something new to learn or decide or discuss almost every day…it was nuts!

Not many of us realize how drastically and quickly things change when that first child hits middle school.

In today’s episode I’m going to explain why, when our kids hit puberty, not only do they start getting stinkier and harrier...they become a little harder to deal with. They’re not as sweet, don’t seem to like us as much…they’re not as cooperative or energetic as they used to be…but they’re certainly moodier, opinionated, emotional, hot tempered and…often just don’t seem to have much sense!

Up until just over 20 years ago, science, society and parents had blamed adolescent behavior on hormones, laziness, rebellion, a feeling of invincibility, lack of respect for authority, and whatever else we could think of.

Most scientists believed the brain was finished growing and changing by kindergarten (around age 5 or 6) so, of course, adolescent behavior couldn’t have anything to do with changes taking place in the brain

Those particular scientists either didn’t have kids or they didn’t have kids over the age of 10!

I’m assuming it was the scientists with tweens and teens who argued that their brains had to be completely neurobiologically different from ours.

And in 1999, a team of scientists who’d been studying the brain for 20 years using MRI technology, concluded that some quite significant changes take place in certain regions of the brain throughout adolescence – from around age 10 or 12 to somewhere in the mid-20s -

So, it seems adolescence is the second major phase of brain growth, and it lasts way to dang long - like 15 freakin’ years!

And for the past 20 years scientists have studied how these changes impact adolescents’ thoughts, emotions, and behaviors - and what they’ve learned explains a whole lot!

I honestly think there should be a mandatory class for all parents when that first kid reaches 4^th or 5^th grade – because not understanding what our kid’s brain does to them,  really puts us at a disadvantage.

It’s so confusing for us when we see their head start spinning and spewing pea soup – I mean someone could have told us this was going to happen!

I mean good grief – just knowing everyone else’s kid is doing the same or similar things helps a little bit!

Knowing that they’re literally at the mercy of their brain (and they’re not doing it on purpose, it’s not a reflection of our parenting, they’re doing the best they can) - this helps us have more empathy for them during their not so Instagram-able moments.

We need this empathy to make it through adolescence with them…to help  them manage these thoughts and emotions and behaviors.

To remind us that it’s not about us - it’s still all about them - until we get that brain finished!

So, let me back up a minute and give you the big picture.

Like I said, adolescence is the second big push for the brain to change and grow and get to sort of a “finish point” – although it’s really never completely finished.

 The first big push of course is from birth to about age 3. This is when the fundamental building blocks of the brain – the neurons or brain cells are being constructed, connected, and programmed, and they expand as a baby, and then toddler, learns and experiences new things.

And this programming is about 95% complete by the time a child is around 5 or 6

But, there’s still around 5% to go.

And that, my friend is what adolescence is for.

This tiny 5% of brain programming starts when a child hits puberty – between 10 and 12 or so (earlier for girls than boys).

To explain what happens with the brain’s neurons at this point, let me give you a visual.

Picture a tall tree with lots of branches and it’s pulled out of the ground, floating mid-air and you can see the roots, these trees are the brain’s neurons.

Now picture lots of those trees (or neurons) floating around and connecting to other trees – branches to roots – everywhere there’s a branch, it’s connecting to another tree’s root.

And where these roots and branches meet up, a signal or message passes from one tree (or neuron) to the other…and that little junction where the message passes over is called a synapse.

And the chemical messages the neurons pass are called neurotransmitters (you’ve heard of them, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol).

That’s how neurons communicate to each other and how they form networks that communicate from one area of the brain to another and from the brain to all the other parts of the body.

And what happens right before puberty is the neurons in the frontal lobe of the brain suddenly sprout billions of additional branches to join up with roots, which means there are billions of additional synapses through which to pass messages or neurotransmitters.

Then when the child hits puberty about a year later, these synapses begin the long and slow process of pruning and strengthening.

Just picture all the dead tree limbs – or the synapses the brain’s not using - being pruned away so the remaining branches – the synapses the brain is using on the regular - then become stronger and faster and more efficient at passing neurotransmitters - communicating…so they’re used even more often and get even stronger and faster…and whatever it is they’re learning becomes really engrained

So, we’ll talk about this more in a minute, but this pruning and strengthening is based on what the kid is experiencing and learning; the more they learn, experience, or do a certain thing, the stronger the synaptic connections become for that particular thing. For example, let’s say your child is into acting, the more they do it during adolescence, the better they will get, and that skill will likely stick.

But if they fail to learn or do a particular thing, those synapses are pruned, which makes it harder to learn that particular thing later on.

For example, scientists have found there are certain academic skills that are best learned at particular stages of adolescence – I believe a certain type of math is one – so if a kid fails to learn this type of math skill during that age range, those synapses are pruned, making it harder to learn that particular skill later in life.

Like I said, this pruning and strengthening or “brain programming” starts at puberty in the synapses at the back of the frontal lobe …then gradually moves through the synapses working towards the front, ending up in the prefrontal cortex – and we’ll talk about what this means for the adolescent (and for us) in a minute.

This synaptic pruning and strengthening process goes on from puberty all the way until somewhere in the mid-20s before the brain’s finally considered fully mature - the exact age depends on the individual – it could be early 20’s to late 20’s.

I just want to point out – because you’ve heard this word thrown around, no doubt…

this ability for the brain to reorganize itself by pruning and strengthening and making new synaptic connections, based on what a person is exposed to and what they learn through experience, is called neuroplasticity.

And during adolescence, the brain is its most plastic ever – all these synapses strengthening and pruning based on what the kid does or does not experience, what they learn or fail to learn.

That’s why it’s so important that we and our kids understand how this neuroplasticity works.

It can be really empowering for a young person to understand the power they have to mold their brain – even if they’ve always thought they were bad in a certain subject in school, after puberty starts, they basically get a do-over.

the more they use those synapses during adolescence, for that subject, the stronger they get and the easier it becomes – it’s a fact that practice and repetition = mastery…and that’s because it strengthens those synapses.

So, intelligence is not static by any means.

Now there is a downside to neuroplasticity as well.

Remember, practice and repetition = mastery. And the brain makes no distinction between strengthening positive versus negative synaptic connections.

That means our teens and tweens get really good at whatever it is they spend their time doing - the activities they’re involved in, the environments they’re exposed to and the people they spend time with…it all has a huge impact on them, their brain, their behavior.

Once a synaptic connection is solidified in the adolescent brain, for better or worse, it sticks.

In other words, it’s harder to unlearn what’s learned during adolescence.

So, that’s great news if they’ve mastered algebra, pole vaulting or the violin.

but really bad news if instead, they’ve become addicted to nicotine, spent all their time gaming or drinking or smoking weed.

That’s why it’s so important for our teens to be involved in as many positive activities, and exposed to as many positive influences, and environments as possible…while at the same time, avoiding the negative.

And the more positive activities they’re involved in, the less time they have to spend on the negative.

Of course, it’s easier said than done, which is why studies show that supervision of and connection with our teens is critical.

The research says that teens with a parent or responsible adult at home with them after school or those in adult-supervised after school activities are less likely to steal, drink, smoke weed or harm other people.

It’s so important to recognize parental supervision or supervised activities as a preventative to negative activities or poor choices.

I think we have a tendency, after all those years of having to be there and watch every move, to kind of take a big sigh of relief when they can finally go to the neighborhood pool alone or ride their bike to the store, which is all good, but we’ve still got to be there and on top of things.

And I’ll be the first to admit that even being at home after school with them - that doesn’t always work either.

One of us was always at home after school with our son and he still managed to smoke weed down the street at a friend’s house - for an entire school year – 9^th grade - before we realized it.

But, then again, we had let him talk us out of sports heading into high school, because of his anxiety – so we made mistakes (which is why I’m talking to you now!)

One of the big problems we have as a mom is deciding what and how many “positive” activities do we involve our kids in? How hard to we push if they’re hesitant? Overscheduling and lack of sleep is a real problem for teens too – so finding the right balance is tricky.

Personally, I believe if they’re busy every day after school it’s real advantage – it’s simple math – more time spent on positive pursuits equals less time to spend on the negative.

Help them find their passion – don’t balk at the expense if you can swing it – I can assure you an expensive extracurricular activity or hobby is a hell of a lot better than paying counselors, rehab, or an attorney!

So, back to what’s going on in the prefrontal cortex, and why supervision is so important.

 As I mentioned earlier, this whole synaptic pruning and strengthening process begins in the back of the frontal lobe and over time moves towards the very front of the brain, or the prefrontal cortex.

So, the prefrontal cortex is the very last area of the brain to be fully “programmed” and is where much of the pruning and strengthening is concentrated during adolescence.

And because the prefrontal cortex is in a state of flux throughout adolescence, it’s much less capable of doing its job...which is to handle the brain’s executive functions.

Things like organizing thoughts, reasoning, solving problems, planning ahead, changing plans on the fly, focusing attention, ignoring distractions, multi-tasking, watching out for errors, making quick decisions, delaying gratification, managing intense emotions, behaving appropriately under specific circumstances, making good decisions, and using self-control.

It's all making so much more sense now, isn’t it?!

These are the very skills they need for school, work, maintaining relationships, staying out of trouble, and doing almost everything required of them every day.

By the time kids hit puberty – the official start of adolescence - some basic executive functions are already in place, but they are slowly refined as all those synapses are strengthened over the next 15 years or so.

Gradually they’ll get better and better at doing all this stuff at the right time and in the right way.

But during this entire developmental period - from around 5^th grade through their mid-20s or so – each adolescent’s ability to engage in these various executive functions varies wildly.

Some kids are capable of making adult-type decisions at 15 while others still can’t manage it at 29.

Some have the self-control of a 50-year-old at 13 while others have absolutely none at age 22.

A person’s ability to engage these executive functions depends on their early environment, genes, birth order, temperament, and many other factors like ADHD and learning issues and mental health problems like anxiety or bipolar disorder.

Generally speaking, the executive functions teens really need the most are the ones they’re most lacking… the ability to use self-control and make good decisions.

When a teenager lacks self-control and the ability to make good decisions, they could have a hard time regulating their emotions, avoiding conflict, not talking in class, stopping themselves from driving too fast, choosing to study for a test rather than playing video games – again, it all depends on the individual.

But, on top of the prefrontal cortex not helping much at all with self-control and making good decisions…there are 2 other areas of the adolescent brain that become even more sensitive and reactive during adolescence that could really use a little help from the prefrontal cortex

Let’s talk about the amygdala, first – the region of the brain that impacts emotion. And during adolescence it’s much more reactive or sensitive than any other time.

And when you combine the supercharged emotional amygdala together with a prefrontal cortex with the inability to control it, you get some of the most problematic characteristics of adolescence including impulsivity, emotional reactivity, extreme emotional highs and lows and difficulty regulating emotions.

In other words, a moody, irrational, dramatic, emotional, brooding, door-slamming adolescent.

So, what does the amygdala do exactly to cause such problems for our teens and tweens? Let’s start with what it does for all of us.

The amygdala is the brain’s threat detector – and it sounds an alarm in the brain when we see, hear, feel, smell, or touch something that feels it threatening (a car about to hit us, a snake on the ground, a loud noise next to our ear).

That alarm triggers certain hormones and neurotransmitters (like adrenaline and cortisol) to be released in the brain and travel from neuron to neuron throughout the brain and body.

This automatically causes changes in our body – our heart races, we might sweat, tremble, breathe heavier.

And we instantly react to the threat – we fight off the danger, get away from it, or sometimes just freeze in place like a deer in the headlights.

And at the same time, we’ll either feel some level of anger, or a range of fear or nervousness (depending on whether we’re fleeing, fighting, or freezing).

This reaction is called the fight, flight, or freeze…(fight or flight for short).

Now, this response was really helpful for prehistoric humans when they lived in the wild and faced real physical dangers every day.

But in our modern society we’re rarely confronted with life threatening situations.

The problem is, the amygdala has not evolved as quickly as society and it still immediately responds to anything it perceives as the least bit threatening (better to be safe than sorry, right?).

So, everyone’s amygdala often overreacts causing the fight or flight response by mistake.

For example, have you ever seen that Halloween video on YouTube (I think it’s actually from the late 90s) with the guy dressed up, as a scare crow, sitting in a chair on the front porch?  He’s holding the bowl of candy for the kids – so they can just reach in and get it themselves – and so he can move and give ‘em a little fun scare.

This older guy walks up on the porch by himself to grab some candy and the scarecrow lunges a little and the guy automatically punches him in the face – not a bit of thinking involved – a totally automatic, amygdala response. He was fighting the danger his amygdala automatically perceived.

The same thing happens when someone pretends to throw something in your face – you put your hand up to deflect even if there’s nothing there.

If someone jumps out behind a door – you might scream, jump, or like the guy with the scarecrow, throw a punch!

Now this fight or flight reaction can save our life if the danger is real – if something was really going to hurt us. But if the danger’s not real (the amygdala’s mistaken) like the paper wad or the scarecrow - what happens next depends on whether you’re an adult or a teen.

When an adult’s amygdala makes a mistake (we realize it’s just someone kidding around or it’s a rope on the floor- not a snake) - the prefrontal cortex jumps in and helps us calm down and stop screaming or running or being afraid, almost immediately.

But depending on the circumstances, this may not be true for the adolescent amygdala because the prefrontal cortex is still being programmed and is often too weak to step in and help with a little self-control and rational thinking.

And to make matters worse, the adolescent amygdala is so super sensitive that it makes a lot more mistakes than a kid’s or an adults.

So, we really never know what’s going to trigger a tween or teen’s amygdala – it can be a bit of a crap shoot until you start looking for certain patterns in your own kid.

What this means, practically speaking, is that adolescents get angry, frustrated, annoyed, nervous, afraid, of things that seem to come out of left field – completely baffle us…and they just can’t calm down on their own.

They may totally freak out over a pop quiz, shut down and not be able to think of a single answer.

A sibling may look at them a certain way and they explode.

Or, we tell them they can’t go somewhere and they have a complete meltdown.

Much of the time we may not even know what triggered their amygdala.

And the behavior they exhibit during the fight flight or freeze mode also depends on the child, the circumstances and whether they’re nervous, angry, sad.

They might scream and yell, cry, sulk, or put a fist through a wall, or curl up in a ball on their bed.

It can be scary and confusing for us as a parent, but it can be just as scary and confusing for them. They may be trying to figure out why they feel what they feel – and what exactly it is that they feel – it’s not fun to feel out of control.

And. you know what make the amygdala even more reactive?

Stress. You know how when you’re already stressed out about something, the least little thing can set you off?

Well, this is certainly true for teens and tweens. Stress gives the amygdala a hair trigger.

Stress also makes it even harder for teens and tweens to use their prefrontal cortex…to make good decisions and use self-control.

And we all know that teens and tweens are under a lot of stress – social media alone raises stress levels.

And even if you don’t agree that teens are under enormous stress – it’s been shown that an adolescent’s perceived stress has the same emotional and psychological impact as actual stress - perception is reality. So, it really doesn’t matter what we think – if they think their stress is enormous, it’s enormous!

So, what about anxiety? Are stress and anxiety the same thing?

Actually, stress is caused by external forces (like school pressures and boyfriend/girlfriend issues, a problem in the family…). Stress is caused by what’s happening all around us, right now – it’s real. I have a big history test tomorrow, a public speaking project due, and my boyfriend just broke up with me last night…that’s stress.

And anxiety is what’s going on inside – it’s an internal state – a sort of ambiguous threatened feeling…or it could even be caused by our own thoughts about some sort of real threat or danger or one we’ve totally imagined that might happen in the future.

When we’re anxious about something – what if I fall going on stage – what if the storm blows the roof off our house – the sky sure is dark and cloudy…it causes us to be on edge…to expect something to happen any minute…which means the amygdala is primed and ready to make a mistake at all times, which leads to even more false alarms.

This is how anxiety disorders develop…interpreting something as a threat when it’s not a real threat.

Each time the amygdala makes a mistake and perceives something non-threatening as a threat, that perceived threat becomes more deeply imbedded in the amygdala’s memory.

This means it’s more likely to make that mistake again  and again. The brain invents a threat from nothing!

It's not a surprise that anxiety disorders are all too common in adolescents. Almost 32% of the adolescent population will suffer from some form of anxiety disorder by the time they turn 18.

Again, not a surprise – females are twice as likely as males to suffer from an anxiety disorder between puberty and age 50.

I so wish I’d known all of this before my son hit puberty.

He’d had always had intense emotions, anxiety, and ADHD, so we were used to dealing with all the studying issues and homework battles, meltdowns.

But when he turned 15, his anxiety began ramping up, and up and by 16 or so, he was acting out in all sorts of negative ways.

He started totally fly off the handle about things that made no sense to us - my husband and a I would look at each other afterwards and say, “Oh My God, that is so totally irrational!” “What is he thinking?!!”

He would get angry about something completely innocuous and just go off in a complete rage…meltdowns over, what we saw, as nothing.

Like I said, he’d always been prone to meltdowns and did have anxiety, but this was next level!

He was almost 18 years old before I began to understand what had been going on, the neurobiological changes, his out-of-control emotions, and how we could help and make our relationship stronger -  which is why I started neurogility and this podcast and why I do what I do with parents.

So, remember this:

From around 5^th grade until they’re at least halfway through their 20s, your kid’s brain is in a state of reorganization and programming.

This means their behavior will be driven by emotion rather than rational thinking.

It’ll be much easier for them to learn, both positive and negative things. So, they’re more prone to anxiety and addiction.

They’ll confound you, infuriate you, and challenge you. But in the back of your mind, you’ll remember, they’re doing the best they can with the brain they have.

Knowing this will allow you to be more understanding and empathetic when they’re in the middle of a meltdown or yell at you for no reason.

Just imagine them as a toddler again, throwing a tantrum - it’s virtually the same thing because their brain is going through the same process. What would you do when they were a toddler?

Remind yourself, they’re not doing this on purpose, for spite, or to make you mad, it’s not a reflection of your parenting, and most importantly, it won’t last forever.