This is Speaking of Teens. I’m Ann Coleman.

This week’s episode is a continuation from last week, episode 54: “Big Social Media”, The Surgeon General And Teen Mental Health. You may want to go back and have a listen to that episode first.

Social media will go down in history as humanity’s biggest experiment with our children’s mental health. The apps are literally built to addict the user and targeted towards young people. And the age at which kids begin using these platforms is the exact time that addictions are more likely to occur because of their neurobiology.

The science tells us social is not altogether evil - it can be a good thing but it all depends on who’s using it, how they’re using it, their mental state, and how they process it all.

And the bottom line is, you’re left with the enormous burden to educate and monitor and check-in and model your own social media use to try and make sure it’s more positive than negative for your child. It’s a lot.

This week on Speaking of Teens, I review recommendations for parents from the American Psychological Association’s and the Surgeon General’s Social Media Advisories, to help you understand more about what you can do to prevent social media from obliterating your child’s mental health.

You heard me say last week that both the APA (the American Psychological Association) and the Surgeon General state, that based on the scientific evidence, it’s possible for teens to both benefit from and be harmed by social media. A single teenager can experience both sides of the coin depending on the app, the way they’re using it at the moment, what their particular mindset is at the time - it just depends on so many factors.

So, social media may impact teenagers positively as far as just connecting with their friends - especially during periods of social isolation, or when they’re stressed out or just trying to find like-minded teens or those in similar circumstances – especially for teens dealing with adversity and marginalization in the real world.

It can really help kids who’re experiencing a life or mental health challenge to find other kids dealing with the same thing.

We do tend to focus only on the negatives of social media. And I think that’s because a) it’s a generational thing. Those of us that didn’t grow up with it may have a tendency to only see the bad for our kids and b) we do tend to hear much more about the harm it causes than any good that comes from it. But for purposes of trying to relate to our kids about it, we really have to try and see the positives. It’s like anything else they enjoy – the more negative we are about it, the more they see us as not understanding and not being on their side – of being critical of them.

So, to maintain a healthy connection with your teen, you have to at least be willing to acknowledge that social media’s not all bad – while at the same time, work with them to try and limit the harm it can cause them. Well, what does that mean exactly?

The APA and tons of research suggests it’s a combination of social media limits and boundaries along with adult-child discussion and coaching about social media use that leads to best outcomes for kids.

The main research they cite is a very impressive study published in 2021 that required the cooperation of multiple universities in 8 countries including Spain, the UK, Ireland, and the US. Participants in the study were almost 7,000 adolescents between 12 and 18. You really need to hear this.

The study was specifically looking at 3 different things: a) whether adolescents witnessing cyberhate online increased their likelihood of being a victim of cyberhate, b) how parental mediation of internet use affected whether they became a victim of cyberhate, c) whether the teen’s disclosure of private information online predicted whether they would be victims of cyberhate. – Hold on – I’m going to explain.

So, this is really important, let me explain parental mediation of internet use first. There are 2 types of parental mediation: One is instructive mediation and the other is restrictive mediation. You can probably figure out what they mean. Restrictive mediation doesn’t include the kid in the internet or online intervention – it’s simply the parent imposing external controls like blocking software, Bark, watching their history, monitoring time spent, etc. It’s more of a shielding process that an educational process for the kids. No talking to them about internet safety or best practices or why time should be limited etc.

On the other hand, instructive mediation involves the kids in the process with the parents – Parents and kids coming up with rules together, the parents explaining the risks and the negative things that can happen when they’re online, discussing the best way to stay safe, to not talk to strangers online, not to share private information, talk about safe areas of the internet versus unsafe areas so they’re actually aware of these specific issues, internalize the rules and can monitor themselves better to stay safe.

So, this study looked at all these issues separately and I’m going to explain their findings so stick with me, this is good: So, they asked, were adolescents more likely to be a victim of cyberhate if they witnessed it online? And they found that yes, they were.

However, instructive mediation from parents (where they talked to their kids and involved them in the monitoring) – that decreased their likelihood of being a victim of cyberhate even though they’d witnessed it.

On the other hand, restrictive parental mediation (where parents just put external controls on the kids’ internet use and didn’t educate them about online issues) – that increased their likelihood of being a victim of cyberhate. Hang on – I’m going to explain.

Additionally (and importantly) online disclosure of personal information was also associated with more of a likelihood of being a victim of cyberhate. So, if the teens shared their names, intimate photos and that sort of thing - it increased their likelihood of victimization. Just hold that thought for a minute.

Now, the APA (the American Psychological Association) is extrapolating from this study and applying these findings across the board to all internet harm that can come to a teen – so instead of this just being about cyberhate, we’re going to say this same reasoning applies for sextortion, racism, cyberbullying, all of it). So, what they’re saying is:

1. a) witnessing a harmful behavior online makes it more likely to be a victim of it,
2. b) instructive parental mediation will decrease the likelihood of becoming a victim of any online harm, while
3. c) restrictive parental mediation will increase the likelihood of becoming a victim, and
4. d) no matter the parental mediation, if teens disclose personal information online, they’re more likely to become a victim of internet harm.

So, just to explain further because on its face I think it’s a little confusing as to why someone is more likely to be a victim of something just because they’ve witnessed it.

And why is it that restrictive parental mediation of a teen’s internet use (all those external controls alone with no education or discussion) - why would make it more likely for them to suffer internet harms.

Let’s start with the witness/victim issue. Just think about it for a second in terms of real life. Research shows that if you witness a crime in real life, it’s also true that you’re more likely to be a victim of a crime.

This is basic criminology theory – if you witness a crime, more likely than not, it means your in a high-crime area. If you hang out in areas where there are criminals looking for unsuspecting targets and there’s no one around that could catch them or stop it from happening, it’s more likely you’ll witness crime and it’s more likely to happen to you.

The more you hang out in a high crime area, the more likely you are to both witness a crime and become a victim.

What would protect you from becoming a victim in those high crime areas? A bodyguard, pepper spray, a cop, a whistle.

So, this same theory has been applied to online offenses as well. Where potential offenders and unsuspecting targets converge online, someone is more likely to both witness an online offense and possibly become a victim. For example, using file-sharing programs, sending instant messages, online banking, and shopping, participating in online forums and chatrooms, using multiple social media platforms, all have been shown to increase the odds of someone witnessing online harms and falling prey to various types of online harms like harassment and cyber-crimes themselves.

It all boils down to proximity to an offender in real life or online.  If someone’s in the proximity of an offender, and they’re a suitable target, and there’s no deterrent to that offender, the likelihood of harm to that target increases.

So, it makes sense to surmise from this study that if someone witnesses any online offense it’s more likely for them to become a victim of that online offense. It also makes sense that instructive parental monitoring, where parents discuss the potential online harms, educate the kid about what to watch out for, where not to hang out online, how to not become a target, etc. that the likelihood of that kid becoming a victim decreases – it’s like having that bodyguard or pepper spray in real life.

But why would the restrictive parental monitoring make it more likely for the kid to become a victim online?

Restrictive monitoring alone (limiting apps, Bark, forbidding certain sites, restricting times, etc. with no real discussion or instruction) can increase the risk of teens engaging in risky behavior online. Why? The study only surmises that not explaining things to kids can reduce their ability to understand the potential risks and harms, which makes them even more vulnerable and more likely to become a victim online.

I would add that to place external controls on a teen’s internet use, is the same as forbidding them to be out past midnight without discussing it with them first or explaining why it’s not a good idea to be out past midnight. Or forbidding them to eat sweets or telling them they have to go to bed at a certain time.

Once they reach adolescence, the “telling” is over. If you’re not discussing and negotiating and supporting their autonomy by explaining your reasoning and letting them have their say, you’re pushing them into all sorts of risky behavior.

Adolescents are naturally drawn to new experiences and risky behavior and the more you forbid it unilaterally and demand their obedience, (with no listening and no discussion) the more likely they’re going to do the very thing you tell them not to do.

Just remember during adolescence, it’s all about listening to them, letting them have their say and explain your concerns about why certain things are dangerous or unethical or immoral or whatever…then coming to an agreement about the boundaries. That’s why external controls alone, regarding any sort of behavior, will not work to deter teens from that behavior.

That’s why just restrictive parental mediation will not work on its own.

On the other hand, studies have found that instructive parental mediation – true discussions and instruction about online harm and how to protect themselves online – not only reduces the chance of victimization, but also helped teens with potential coping mechanisms if they were to be victimized.

Now, studies looking at this theory for online interactions show several online activities that make anyone more vulnerable to victimization (this is like giving you a list of the high crime areas in town):

• the more time spent online (which makes sense because it’s just the odds increase the more often someone is in proximity to potential offenders)
• communicating with strangers
• clicking on unfamiliar links
• illegally downloading software
• posting content on social media that can antagonize or elicit jealousy
• sharing private information online
• sexting
• confiding anonymously in other internet users
• cyberbullying others or harassing and making hateful statements online make you more likely to also become a victim of the same – it just gives you a bigger online profile and places a target on your back (just like in real life – if you’re going around robbing people, you’re more likely to become a victim of some sort of attack)

Now, remember this 8-country cyberhate study also looked at whether sharing personal information online made teens more vulnerable to becoming a victim of some sort of harm online. And just as other studies have found, they were able to show that it does indeed. When teens share their name, intimate photos and more online, it’s been shown to increase the risk for becoming a victim of cyberbullying, sexual victimization, cybergrooming victimization, online harassment, phishing, hacking, malware infection, identify theft, and targeting by cyberhate.

I wanted to go through all of that with you because I think it’s critical for you to understand the reasoning behind these dictates from on high (like the recommendations from the APA’s and Surgeon General’s advisory) – you need to know why they say to do certain things, just like your kids need to understand why you want them to behave certain ways.

So, the bottom line here is that relying on external controls and limitations on internet use alone, will not keep your kids safe – in fact, it will do just the opposite.

But, if you combine those controls with discussion and guidance and coaching, you have the best chance of keeping them safe.

So, where do you start? Or, really, maybe we should talk about when you start.

If you have younger kids or adolescents who’ve not yet been on social media or they’re pretty new to social, you’re going to be more hands-on with monitoring, controls, and supervision - and your coaching is going to be more involved.

It’s the same as with anything during adolescence, you start out with more control and slowly build up to giving them more responsibility and freedom as they can handle it.

The APA says kids in the 10 to 14-year-old range need more of this than older kids but I would point out that 13 is the minimum age requirement on most social media platforms. If you have a mature 10 to 12-year-old you may start out by simply showing them your social media platform and beginning the education process – looking at posts together, pointing out the positives and the negatives.

The goal during these early years of adolescence is to help them build their social media literacy skills (and we’ll talk about that more in a minute). So, as one expert suggests, when you think they’re ready for social media, you might start them out with just one app and review all posts, friend requests, and comments together with them. This is a great way to slowly teach and allow them more access to social media.

This monitoring and discussion is the most important part of keeping them safe and teaching them good habits from the beginning if possible.

Now, if you have a kid already on social and you haven’t really done much of this coaching with them already, it’s certainly not too late to start. But the key to keeping conflict at bay during any sort of monitoring or supervision with your adolescent is to discuss how it will be done and what you’ll be doing, let them know your concerns and why you want to do whatever it is. Just remember to emphasize this is a team effort and your sole goal is to keep them safe.

Of course, the older they are the harder you’ll have to work to respect their privacy as well. Privacy is a huge issue with adolescents that’s why any monitoring needs to be done with their knowledge. Plus, you need to be mindful that your kid may want to get information online to help them sort out sensitive personal topics that they’re not yet ready to talk to you about.

One of the Surgeon General’s recommendations that can help you sort your restrictive and instructive parental mediation – your supervision, monitoring coaching… is a Family Media Plan. And this is a great place to start because it gives you an overall structure for everyone in the family to follow. To formulate your plan, the Advisory suggests a free online tool by the American Academy of Pediatrics. And it really does a great job with the big picture stuff – and even has tips and suggestions for discussions with your kids built in.

And it takes you step by step through a list of priorities to choose from like “media balance” “screen free zones” “screen free times” “kindness and empathy” “choosing good content” and “digital privacy and safety” and suggests how to make these things work within your family.

Each person gets their own customized plan; you can download it to the home screen of your phone or computer, print it, update it as they get older and modify it for things like holidays and school breaks. It takes all the guesswork out.

So, I would definitely put together that plan as a good solid base to work from – even if you don’t feel you have time for anything else – do this.

And don’t worry, I’ll have all the links for everything I mention, in the show notes (and the link to the show notes is in the description where you’re listening!)

But, because it’s hard to guide and coach if you don’t first learn everything you can about a kid’s online world, you’ll likely need some additional education and guidance yourself. The best all-around resource out there for this is Common Sense Media.org.

Under the Parent Tips and FAQs tab at the top, you can choose to learn by age, by platform or by topic (like social media, screen time, cell phones) and all of their information is timely and up to date – it’s a huge organization. You can learn about TikTok, Fortnite, Snapchat, Minecraft - everything. Of course, they also review TV, movies, books, YouTube channels – everything you need to know to stay on top of it all.

I mentioned a minute ago that especially in the early years online, the APA calls for kids to receive training in social media literacy to (as they put it) “ensure that users have developed psychologically-informed competencies and skills that will maximize the chances for balanced, safe, and meaningful social media use.” This is the coaching and teaching part – the instructive parental mediation.

Well, that sounds great, but guess who’s going to be providing this “training”? You.

I’m actually stunned that I couldn’t find any online courses in social media literacy for kids - outside of a school curriculum.

Common Sense Media has a digital citizenship course for use in schools and along with that course is an immersive tool called social media test drive where middle schoolers learn how to navigate social media in a real social media-type setting….BUT it’s only available to schools so I think that sucks. If you have any pull at your school try to get it in there!

I did find another really wonderful organization that does provide some training for your kids – it’s Cyberwise.org. They have several self-paced online courses for adolescents ages 11-14, each costing $25 - but they still don’t cover social media. There’s the online safety course a cyberbullying course, and an online communication course. I can’t vouch for them but they’re certainly worth looking into. There are also games to help teach kids, a book for parents, a podcast, a school and homeschool curriculum, presentations – it all looks fantastic, so I’ll link to everything. (See my notes)

So, it seems for now that if your child’s school isn’t teaching social media or digital literacy it’s totally up to you. Unfortunately, research shows that most parents aren’t that familiar with the functionality of the social media platforms and are completely unaware of new developments and social media trends.

This is a real problem because if you don’t engage with these platforms and fully understand them and what’s going on in your teen’s online world,

you can’t know what sort of questions to ask or what to look for. This is the same for online gaming platforms including game chat servers and forums. So, you really need to familiarize yourself with these things – and the best way to do it is to get in there and experience it firsthand. Educate yourself as much as possible.

So, about teaching your kid social media literacy, the APA and the Surgeon General have psychologically-informed and science-based recommendations – I’ll summarize them here and make sure you have all the resources in the show notes.

1. Make sure they understand that social media is not just like the real world – that likes and comments and posts may not really even represent what the majority of people in the community think. This can lead them to overgeneralize or misestimate the general attitude of people.

 

2. Teach them how to decipher the truth from misinformation and disinformation – I talked briefly about this in a recent bonus episode on May 26, 2023. Talk to them about the tactics people use to spread misinformation and how to determine if a source is trustworthy. And here are 2 resources in addition to those I mentioned in that bonus episode – these are both fabulous resources to actually teach kids how to spot false information tactics and how to spot bots on social media – they’re games and quizes. com and spotthetroll.org (which is by Clemson University – my husband’s alma mater. Again, you can find this in the show notes.

 

3. Talk to them about what LIKES really even mean. Sometimes it’s an automatic thing just to be nice, often they’re from bots. And science shows when we see other likes, we tend to jump on board and like it ourselves. So, teach them that likes really don’t mean that much.

 

4. Explain what problematic social media use looks like (and let them know you’ll need to regularly screen them for any signs that their social media is interfering with their ability to engage in their regular life). These specific indicators came out of a study published in 2021 in the Child Development Journal:
   1. a tendency to keep using social even when they want to stop or know it’s interfering with daily tasks,
   2. doing everything they can to make sure they have continuous access to social media,
   3. strong cravings to use social,
   4. repeatedly spending more time on social than intended,
   5. lying or being deceptive to maintain access to social media, and
   6. loss or disruption of relationships or educational opportunities because of social media use., and
   7. restriction of opportunities to practice in-person interactions – or the avoidance of personal interactions

If they show any of these signs, it may be time to seek professional help to reign it back in.

5. Point out to your kid that social media can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how they’re using it and how it’s impacting them. If they’re using it for real social support and to foster real connections with peers, that’s great. So, help them understand how to be more authentic online and to use the tools that will help them build real relationships (like private messages and helpful comments) - rather than just mindlessly scrolling or liking a post for no real reason.

 

6. Teach them about preventing conflict and harm to others on social media. They need to understand things like cyberhate, and online prejudice directed towards marginalized groups as well as cyberbullying, online abuse, exploitation, sexploitation, harassment, trolling, and posting or commenting embarrassing things or making others feel excluded. They have to be taught not to do these things, how to spot it when others do, how to stand up for people and how to report it. And they need to recognize if they’ve somehow played a role in any of these harms online in the past.

 

Empathy is not fully baked in to the adolescent brain – they’re still learning this. So, we often have to really make them stop and deeply consider someone else’s feelings - online as well as in real life. They need to learn to empathize – to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. At the same time the need to understand that inflicting harm themselves or witnessing it makes them more likely to be a victim of the same (as we discussed earlier). Learning they shouldn’t abandon their morals and values when they’re online, is really significant.

Episodes 32, 33 and 34 will at least help you with cyberbullying sexting and sexploitation and the reporting. I’m going to give you some other good resources here as well.

7. The APA makes the wise recommendation to parents that (quote) “Adolescents should limit use of social media for social comparison, particularly around beauty- or appearance-related content.” This is a tremendous problem for adolescent girls, but it also impacts boys. But simply telling them not to make comparisons online is a bit like telling a day trader not to check their stocks every 5 minutes online. Social media or not, girls are constantly comparing themselves to the socially accepted beauty standard. But social just makes it 1000 times easier. This can totally wreck a young person’s self-esteem, they can develop a poor body image, disordered eating, and even depression.

 

Be sure to talk to both your boys and girls and make sure they understand that people spend all day sometimes staging a photo and taking them over and over and then applying multiple filters or even photoshopping them. It’s hard when they see the photo to accept that it’s not “real” but show them the accounts online where women actually post themselves filtered and unfiltered or posed and unposed – it could be really eye-opening.

Another thing I’ll say, and this has to do with modeling behavior by moms. Talking about what people look like online, even if you’re paying someone a compliment, is never, ever a good thing. If we want to teach girls that looks shouldn’t matter then we have to stop paying so much attention to other women’s’ and girls’ looks – or at least stop constantly talking about it and drawing attention to it in front of our girls.

I had a friend with 2 little girls and she was constantly talking about this person or that person on Facebook and how they were so beautiful or looked like they had work done or looked thinner…and she would say in front of and to her daughters from the time they could understand. Not only that but she tuned into the Kardashians and watched it with her girls.

So, how can we possibly ask our girls not to make comparisons if we’re focused on that very thing? Stop talking about your butt being too big or not big enough or looking too fat or too thin and having a gray hair or a wrinkle or talking about anyone else’s looks. I think that’s a big part of it and a good place to start. Of course, working on young girls’ self-esteem is a huge piece of the puzzle as well.

8. Teach them that the online world reflects the actual world we live in as far as the types of people and harms they’ll see online. Good, bad, horrible, and criminal. And because of that, it’s likely they’ll run into racist, bigoted, discriminatory treatment of either themselves or others. Teach them to recognize it, evaluate it critically, call it out and stand up for those being mistreated (including themselves).

 

9. Teach your kids that it’s fine to seek out mental health information online but to only get that information from trained and licensed mental healthcare providers. Let them know that advice about their mental health should always be backed by scientific evidence.

 

10. Explain why social media companies even exist; to earn profits for shareholders – that’s the bottom line. Let them know that these big companies count on them to create content for their peers and to keep their little engine turning out more profits and that the longer they’re on the app, the better for the company. That’s why they created things like endless scroll, autoplay videos, notifications, likes, and algorithms to push out more and more content that they enjoy. Tell them that some of social medias main features can damage their mental health.

 

11. One more time to drive it home…keep private information off line – no sharing name, address, phone number, pictures over the internet. Period.

Now most of the other recommendations the APA and the Surgeon General mention are covered by that Family Media Plan I mentioned earlier so please at least take a look at that. And if you don’t use that one, I would still put something together yourself with all of those components.

For example, the Surgeon General’s Advisory says to discuss and agree on rules about tech-free zones and tech-free times.

A tech-free zone is any place you want to have uninterrupted time with other members of the family – like family meals or game night, maybe during sports events, outings with the family like hiking or going to a movie.

Obviously, no tech while driving. And you might say, if you drive them to school, no use during the commute to and from school, and anything else that specifically matters to your family.

The Family Plan even suggests choosing the specific days where screens are allowed or not allowed. Have screen free times each day or night for homework – keep the phone out of reach until it’s finished.

Get those screens out of their faces an hour before bedtime – remember they need at least 9.25 hours of sleep each night and they can’t do it with too much blue light halting their melatonin production. Put them up and out of reach – no phones in the bedroom.

And while the Surgeon General’s Advisory didn’t recommend specific time limits for social media – in light of the study that found teens who used social media more than 3 hours a day were twice as likely to have poor mental health – I would consider a time limit just on social media at least.

Of course, with all the screen-free times and zones, you may accomplish that anyway.

The big thing as far as time spent, is that their social media use or general screen use is not interfering with in-person activities and relationships, exercise, school and homework and, the biggie, sleep.

Another important point both Advisories make is about modeling good social media behavior. Science shows that if you use social media when their kids are around (when you should be paying attention your kids) it can impact the kids’ use of social media.

Of course, it does. Our kids learn by watching us. So, it’s critical that we limit our own use of social media – especially in the presence of our kids. It’s also important to watch how you interact in social media platforms – don’t do or say anything you wouldn’t want your teenager to do or say. They could actually be watching. And last, carefully consider how you share information about your kid online – photos, comments – all of it. I saw something on an online new site the other day about a man sharing how horrible his teenage son was on TikTok and it showed a snippet of it. He was venting about his son on an open world-wide forum. His kid could see it – his kid’s friends could see it – everyone could see it. That’s horrible parenting. I worry about the kids who’ve had embarrassing pictures plastered all over the internet by their parents – how are they going to feel about that when they’re 13? So, just think before you post – just like we’d tell our kids.

Another thing that the surgeon general’s advisory mentioned was to work with other parents to help establish (as they put it) “shared norms and practices and to support programs and policies around healthy social media use.” I’ll say again as I did last week, I think this could be one of the most useful tips out there. If the best friend across the street has to be off their phone by 9 pm it sure is easier to get your kid off theirs. This could even be a school-wide effort through the PTA. Or a team effort – like all of the soccer team or cheer squad. The more kids that have the same rules to follow the better. Same with when they get their first phone. If you have kids in elementary school, see if you can talk to moms while they’re in second grade and say, “let’s make a blood oath than no one gets a phone before 12 or 13 or whatever” The more people who get on the bandwagon the better.

Okay, so just to recap and put everything in perspective here:

Social media – not all bad. But you have a lot of work to do to make sure your kid’s not taken down by it.

The best way to do this is to combine restrictions on social media use with coaching and teaching – social media literacy.

And how do you do that? Well, you have to be well educated in social media yourself – the platforms they use, the latest trends, and so forth.

You have to model good social media behavior, have a family media plan, and discuss those 11 things we just went over. Check in regularly with them to make sure social is not becoming a problem for them and make sure it doesn’t interfere with them in real life.

I will have a ton of resources for you in the show notes at neurogility.com/55 – you can find the link right there where you’re listening.

Listen, thank you so much for being here. I know you have a ton to do and I appreciate you spending this time with me. If you’d like to continue the conversation over on Facebook, the link for our parents group is right there in the description where you’re listening. Please join us.

And I’ll be back with a bonus episode on Friday – until then, see if you can tell just one dumb joke to make just the outer corners of your teen’s mouth tremble a little.